Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #508

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girl- friend.
One evening, after the honey- moon, he was organizing his golfing equip- ment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long peri- od of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this hor- rified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex- wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't," he replied.
12 AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (Don’t try them at home, though)
1. If you are chok- ing on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing veg- etables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid argu- ments with your partner about lift- ing the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure suffer- ers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pres- sure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze but- ton.
6.Ifyouhavea bad cough, take a large dose of lax- atives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bath- room.
11. If you woke up breathing, con- gratulations! You get another chance.
12. And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Airbnb Host Offers Guests Chance To Be 'Mayor of Hell' For A Day
By Ben Hooper
Oct. 2 (UPI) -- A resident of Hell, Mich., is offering the chance to be "Mayor of Hell" for one day by renting out a specially outfitted "lair" on Airbnb.
John Colone, the self-proclaimed "mayor" of the town, which has no official mayor, said his "Mayor's Lair" tiny house will be available for three one- night stays that come with his unofficial title for 24 hours.
"I am the biggest Halloween fan in the world (and the underworld), so I hope that our little slice of paradise can fill fellow Halloween lovers with all of the frightful chills and spooky sen- sations of the season,"
Colone told Airbnb.
"And to our guests and soon- to-be Mayors, I trust you'll find that there is no place more wel- coming than Hell on Earth-we can't
wait to show you a helluva good time!"
The "Mayor's Lair" includes a queen-sized bed, gothic-style sit- ting area, fire pit, outdoor movie screen and sup- ply of locally grown pumpkins to carve.
The property is listed for the nights of Oct. 18, 21 and 24. Each stay costs $31, in honor of Halloween taking place on Oct. 31.
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