Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #411

The only true FREE CLASSIFIEDS in the Antelope Valley... Where buyers and sellers meet!
A middle school boy came home crying. His dad asked, "What's wrong son?"
"A boy at school called me gay!"
"Well," his dad said, "if he does it again, punch him in the face." "But he's cute!"
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What hap- pened, Honey?” asked his wife.
“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents.”
“That wasn’t too smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dol- lars?”
And the teacher asks, "If five birds are in a tree and you shoot two, how many are left?"
Ecstatic, Johnny replies, "None, the rest fly away!"
The teacher replies, "No, there are 3. But I like your thinking."
So johnny asks, "There are three women each with an ice cream cone. The first just licks the tip, the second licks around the base, and the third licks all over and really gets into it. Which one is married?"
"Why, the third of course." "No, the one with the ring on her fin- ger, but I like your think- ing."
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expen- sive clubs, take the best girlfriend with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apart- ment in Hawaii, a man- sion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's girlfriend."
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Two senior citizens are getting married. Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore: Jacob sug-
gests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medi- cine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about sup- positories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthri- tis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vita- mins, sleeping pills, Geritol?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indiges- tion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheel- chairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "Okay then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the med- ical term so I can tell my wife."
ShAke oFF yoUR PRoblemS
A man’s favorite donkey falls into a deep precipice; He can’t pull it out no matter how hard he tries; He therefore decides to bury it alive.
Soil is poured onto the donkey from above. The donkey feels the load, shakes it off, and steps on it; More soil is poured.
It shakes it off and steps up; The more the load was poured, the higher it rose; By noon, the don- key was grazing in green pastures.
After much shaking off (of problems) And step- ping up (learning from them), One will graze in GREEN PASTURES.
The elePhANT RoPe
As a man was passing the elephants, he sud- denly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.
He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”
The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they could- n’t, they were stuck right where they were.
Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do some- thing, simply because
we failed at it once before?
Failure is part of learn- ing; we should never give up the struggle in life.
PoTAToeS, eGGS, ANd coFFee beANS
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn’t know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon fol- lowed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the sec- ond pot, and ground cof- fee beans in the third pot.
He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
He then ladled the cof- fee out and placed it in a cup. Turning to her he asked. “Daughter, what do you see?”
“Potatoes, eggs, and coffee,” she hastily replied.
“Look closer,” he said, “and touch the pota-
toes.” She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard- boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the cof- fee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
“Father, what does this mean?” she asked.
He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity– the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently.
The potato went in strong, hard, and unre- lenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak.
The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interi- or until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard.
However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created some- thing new.
“Which are you,” he asked his daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a cof- fee bean? “
Moral:In life, things hap- pen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly mat- ters is what happens within us.
Which one are you?
16
661-266-4-ADS
ANTELOPE VALLEY FREE CLASSIFIEDS ;