Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #438

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
A Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was an extremely well dressed, physi- cally fit, good looking guy on the dance floor. He was waltz- ing, fox-trotting, break dancing, moon walking, doing back flips, smiling and having a great time.
The wife turned to her husband, who isn't much of a dancer, and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he pro- posed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
If your name is on the building, you’re rich...
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class...
If your name is on your shirt, you’re nei- ther of the first two!
On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't
notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a
Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pock- et!"
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are wait- ing.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes
Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four lan- guages, and it didn't do him any good."
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.
"Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember.
But that night, as my wife and I were get- ting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
Man Caught Driving With Tablet, Cellphone Tied To Steering Wheel
A driver who was caught with his tablet computer and cellphone tied to his steering wheel was appar- ently surprised to learn that consti- tutes distracted driving.
Vancouver police pulled the man over Wednesday morning after an officer spotted him wearing head- phones near Cambie Street and Broadway.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he saw the driver had attached his phone to the wheel using a single piece of string, and was using it to prop up his tablet. Police shared a picture of the rig on their traf- fic unit’s Twitter account, where it
raised the eye- brows of many responsible driv- ers.
"Just when I think I've seen every- thing, a photo like this is captured by one of our offi- cers," Const. Jason Doucette said. "We are reminding our driv- ers to leave their devices alone behind the wheel."
The officer had a long conversation about road safety with the man, who was ultimately only handed an $81 ticket for not hav- ing his driver's licence.
Doucette said police decided to let him off with a warning this time, which some Vancouverites found a little too
merciful.
"I think he should be put in jail. [Distracted drivers] endanger people's lives," Lyle Morin told CTV News. "If people start going to jail they might think twice about it."
Normally, getting caught driving dis- tracted isn't cheap; motorists are dinged $368 and given three driver penalty points, which can impact their insurance.
Vancouver police recently handed out a distracted driving ticket to someone who was caught playing the Pokemon Go cell- phone game after unknowingly pulling up beside two officers.
iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine