Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #535

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lip- stick, but I acci- dentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talk- ing to me now.
A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer
...than men who point it out.
It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it. She keeps standing by the window, staring.
If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Why is it called the PMS?
Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.
Husband: Will you marry after I die?
Wife: No, I will live with my sister. Will you marry after I die?
Husband: No, I will also live with your sister.
Mom, what does the stork do once he has fed the baby?
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps, and farts.
Wife: Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.
Husband: But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.
Wife: True, but I do.
What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once.
Why do they call it the “mother tongue”?
Because the man never gets to put a word in.
Judge: Why did you hit your hus- band with a chair?
Wife: The table was too heavy.
Q. Why did God create Adam first and Eve as sec- ond?
A. Because he wasn’t interested
in listening to any- one telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What four words are guar- anteed to depress a husband any- time, anywhere?
A. ‘Hold my purse honey.’
Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.
Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough try- ing to save them!
Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spend- ing less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.
When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere.
But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.
Turkish Man's 3.46-inch Nose Earns Guinness World Records Title
By Ben Hooper
Nov. 30 (UPI) -
- The Turkish man who was verified by Guinness World Records as hav- ing the longest nose on a living person said his supersized schnoz gives him an enhanced sense of smell.
Mehmet Ozyurek, whose nose was official- ly measured at 3.46 inches from the bridge to the tip, said his large proboscis was the cause of mockery when he was a child, but he came to see it as a bene- fit.
"My friends used to call me 'Big Nose' to upset
me,"
Ozyurek told Guinness World Records. "But I took a look at myself. That's when I looked in the mirror -- I dis- covered myself.
"God made me like this, there is nothing that can be done in this situation. I learned to live in peace with my physique."
Ozyurek said he discovered his nose gave him unexpected ben- efits, including an enhanced sense of smell.
"I say, 'There is a smell here.' Other people say 'We don't smell that smell.' I say, 'You may not smell it but I
can,'" Ozyurek said. "For exam- ple, I enter my house ... I can immediately tell which dish is cooked."
Ozyurek said he can also do some party tricks, such as inflating a balloon with his nostrils.
"I love my nose, of course," he said. "I have been blessed."
Guinness said it does not have a confirmed record for the longest nose ever, but Thomas Wedders, a cir- cus performer who lived in England in the 1770s, allegedly had a nose that measured 7.5 inches long.
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