Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #401

The only true FREE CLASSIFIEDS in the Antelope Valley... Where buyers and sellers meet!
An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 85- year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained ...
"Well, doc, it's like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
"She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still noth- ing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neigh- bor? Good heavens!"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
After much convincing from her husband, Tammy finally agreed to call an old family friend to sing her happy birth- day. It was only after she finished singing, that the voice at the other end of the line informed her that it was the wrong number.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said, embarrassed.
“It’s okay,” the voice said, “you need all the practice you can get!”
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great- grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody.
After Johnny died, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing people outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?" Bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?" Bartender replies again: "Two cents."
The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the man- ager?"
he's upstairs with my wife."
Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"
Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
"What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?" asked the curi- ous boy.
His mother took a deep breath and then replied, "It wooden go."
Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height? Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy? Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes? Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair? Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing? Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driv- ing? Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generat- ing 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....and then the Husband started crying...
Inspector: Don not worry sir,... we will find your car.
Bartender replies: "No,
Fixer upper hoMeS
Bargains, Lowest Prices. These Palmdale/Lancaster homes need work. Call for a free list w/ pics WWW. rCAroSellShoMeS.CoM Free recorded Message
1-866-219-2592
iD# 1048
Amigo Real Estate, Agent #01785140
R/E BROKERS
•••Meridian Capital AV•••:
First time buyer program. Credit Problems Ok! Down Payment Assistance. FREE CONSULTATION. Call: Tony Austin / realtor: 661-722-5255
•••Betty Marcos••• - pli realty. First time buyers. Why rent when you can own. Little or zero down • 661-944-7171
FORECLOSURE
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us today. Ask for Tony 722- 5255 or Betty at 661-944- 7171
APARTMENT: FOR RENT
rosamond palms
- Motel Apt Extended Stay $36/day - $825/mo - Large Studio w/ Kitchen $42/day - $950/mo
- 2 Room Double Suite $49 -$1,050/mo, Free WIFI & HBO & utilities • 661-256-
ground check • 789-8729404
E. Lancaster: $400, shared utilities, kitchen, living room, shared bath. Refundable sec & cleaning deposit •
661-722-5255 or Betty at 661-944-7171
LAND
Yucca, Arizona: 2.5acres $5000 • 728-7687402
W. Lancaster: 5 acres. $20,000 • 944-7171
Cal City: Flat land ready to build w/ all utilities. Next to a house. In town $15,000 •
754-1115
404
1964
406dp
California City: Residential lot, all utilities $14,900 • 944-7171
Lake LA: 2.5 acres $29,900 • 661-944-7171
Mojave: 17acres, agriculture on Hwy 58, flat, surveyed (4Lots). Power in front $100,000 • 824-3333
3acres on Hwy 58. R1, flat w/ electric $48,000 • 824- 3333257
For sale: N. Edwards: 2.5 acres commercial land w/ 60’ Mobile Home, 2wells, 3,000sqft commercial bldg $299K • 824-3333
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us
HOUSE FOR
RENT
California City: 3+2, upgrad- ed kitchen w/ stainless sink, covered patio, RV access, auto garage door, wood floors, large fenced back- yard & much more. $950/mo + $950 sec deposit • 661-944-7171
Leona Valley: 3+1, close to stores, dog ok. Credut check. Rent or lease • 947-
9338
402
E. Lancaster: 2+1 $700. Proof of income • 946-0962402
ROOM FOR
RENT
Lake LA: $350,utilities pd, female only • 264-4304405
Lancaster: Close to all, shared utilities, Income veri- fication, deposit required, no smoking, no pet, month to month $400/mo • 754-1115405
Free rent & utilities to care for elderly female. Female only must apply • 264-4304404
E. Lancaster: Free room in exchange for cooking, cleaning & caregiving, female, must pass livescan, no drugs or drama, back-
E. Lancaster: Close to all $525/mo $100 deposit, pd utilities, verfiable income, kitchen & pool privileges, smoke outside, month to month • 206-5815404
Palmdale: $375, $100sec deposit. Directv, clean room, ask for Ruby • 526- 6492403
Palmdale: $375, no alcohol or drugs, must be clean per- son • 265-8199403
Country living, avilable 4/1. $300/mo, possibly lower in exchange for housework • 492-2013403
Small room, pd utilities $450
• 947-9338 402
Away from City, shared bath $250+ $100dep & $300+$150dep • 946-0962402
$500/mo. No smoking, alco- hol or drugs • 323-633- 9436401
Roommate to share a mobile home. Must be reli- able & responsible, single female. $300, you buy your own groceries • 445-3682400
Furnished, private hallway bath. Near frwy & shops. No deposit, no drugs & no pet. Internet, cable. Home privi- leges • 805-416-3221400
HOUSE FOR SALE
Leona Valley: 3+1, close to stores, dog ok $1600 • 947- 9338401
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us today. Ask for Tony Austin
944-7171
393
MoBile hoMe For SAle! Double wide. 24x65, Aluminum sidings, 2+2, den. New ref range dish- washer, 2 cooler w/ Aircon in the kitchen. Includes all furnitures, Fixtures, TV, appliances & others MUST SEE! 661-256-0868 serious inquiry !!!
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661-266-4-ADS
ANTELOPE VALLEY FREE CLASSIFIEDS ;