Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #407

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A little boy comes run- ning Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reach- es back and unzips her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reach- es back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embar- rassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tun- nel and as it was an old
style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed- clothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and dis- orderly. And I've never hadadogrunoutona hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
As I waited for my lug- gage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.”
The man shot back defensively, “Well, some- body took mine!”
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were work- ing, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.
“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”
By Caterina Andreano
San Francisco, unoffi- cially dubbed one of the homeless capitals of the U.S., counts nearly 6,500 home- less people in 2013, according to recent city numbers, with 4,300 people living on the street.
Among the many problems the home- less face is little or no access to showers. San Francisco only has about 16 to 20 shower stalls to accommodate them.
But Doniece Sandoval has made it her mission to change that.
"Homelessness is something you can't really miss in San Francisco," the 51-year- old former marketing executive told ABC News.
She started Lava Mae, a sort of showers on wheels, a new project that aims to turn decommissioned city buses into shower sta- tions for the homeless.
"One day I passed a woman in the street and she was very dirty and basically crying, and I heard her say that she would never be clean. There's obviously a lot of layers to that but I was wondering what her opportunities were to actually get clean," Sandoval said.
She also said the gen- trification of her San Francisco neighborhood had pushed people, including her neighbor, onto the street.
"His name was Mr. Earl and he was a Vietnam vet - a lovely man. At the time I would walk my daughter and he'd stop and chat with us. About two years ago he was evicted and ended up on the street. The last time we saw him was about six months ago. He was just in real- ly bad shape," she said. "We just realized that this shouldn't be hap- pening. These are human beings."
Sandoval was inspired to ditch her marketing career and start Lava Mae. The project has already been welcomed with open arms in the city.
The San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency has donated one bus for the cause and is will- ing to donate three more in the future if the project succeeds. Sandoval hopes the first bus will be able to hit the road in March.
The Public Utilities Commission has also agreed to let the buses plug into fire hydrants around the city if Lava Mae pays for the water.
One of Lava Mae's biggest supporters is Bevan Dufty, the direc-
tor of Housing Opportunity, Partnerships & Engagement under the mayor of San Francisco.
"For people who are unhoused, access to showers is very difficult. Shower buses are something that could potentially be deployed in response to an emer- gency, so it is relevant to all San Franciscans," Dufty said. "Doniece has done an incredible job as a citizen who cares about helping the poor. We are very excit- ed to see Lava Mae become real next year."
Each bus will have two shower stations and Sandoval expects that by 2015, they'll be able to provide 2000 show- ers a week.
The project is currently $80,000 short of its first year's budget of $365,000 and is run on donations. Lava Mae has a fiscal sponsorship through the nonprofit ZERO 1, The Art and Technology Network, but hopes to apply for its own nonprofit status next year.
To learn more about Lava Mae, visit the website at http://www.lavamae.org/
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