Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #421

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Inspirational
A youthful child enters a barber shop...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful old poodle, Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard head- ing rapidly in his direction with the intention of hav- ing lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo- doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one deli- cious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that some- thing must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn mon- key? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the mon- signor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He pro- ceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 com- mandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disci- ples, not 10.
4. Jesus was conse- crated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his
donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke
the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take thisandeatitforitismy body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling con- test at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
A food reviewer was taken to the hospital in a serious condition after choking on a piece of food. On arriving at hos- pital his family inquired about his well-being.
"Nothing has changed" replied the doctor "he's still critical"
Stories
A Story Parable: Pray First, Aim High, Stay Focused
There once was a man who had nothing for his family to eat. He had an old shotgun and three shells. So, he decided that he would go out and kill something for dinner. As he went down the road, he saw a rab- bit and he shot at the rabbit and missed it. Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel and missed it.
As he went further, he saw a wild turkey in the tree and he had only one bullet, but a voice came to him and said “pray first, aim high and stay focused.”
However, at the same
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time, he saw a deer which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But, then he saw a rattle snake between his legs about to bite him, so he naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.
Still, the voice said again to him, “I said ‘pray, aim high and stay focused.”
So, the man decided to listen to the voice. He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree and shot the wild turkey.
The bullet bounced off the turkey and killed the
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deer. The handle fell off the gun and hit the snake in the head and killed it. And, when the gun had gone off, it knocked him into a pond.
When he stood to look around, he had fish in all his pockets, a dead deer and a turkey to eat. The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to
God.
Moral of the story: Pray first before you do anything, aim and shoot high in your goals, and stay focused on God.
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