Page 17 - iAV Edition #489

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carry- ing a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum clean- ers."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demon- stration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning."
My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health.
To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morn- ing!"
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recov- ering, a nun asked him ques- tions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No
health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in- law."
A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that build- ing. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watch- ing?"
"Our wedding video."
Man Stuffs
30 Bags of Shrimp Down Pants In SoCal Grocery Thefts
RIVERSIDE, Calif. (AP) - A thief stuffed a total of 30 bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in back-to-back burglaries of a Southern California gro- cery store, police said Wednesday.
The man took the shrimp from
a Vons market in the city of Riverside by entering the store three times in a span of 15 minutes on Dec. 14.
Each time he went to the frozen food sec- tion and con- cealed the shrimp in his pants, Riverside
police said in a statement.
The stolen food had a retail value of more than $500.
Security video of the suspect in the market was posted on the Police Department’s Facebook page
iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine