Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #501

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "i have no money.”
A man says to his neighbor, "I have an extraordinary dog. He brings me the newspa- per every morn- ing."
The neighbor responds by say- ing, "That’s noth- ing special. Lots of dogs do that."
The man says, "Sure, but I don’t even have a sub- scription."
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap
and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the ice- berg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and could- n't find any. So I grabbed an old,
tired looking employee and said, "These veg- etables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poison- ous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had writ- ten across the bottom:
Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.
Endangered Monkey Found In Center Console Of Truck Entering U.S.
By Ben Hooper
June 26 (UPI) -
- Customs offi- cers in Texas made an unusual discovery in a pickup truck attempting to cross the border from Mexico -- an endangered spider monkey.
U.S. Customs and Border Protection's Offic e of Field Operations
said officers at the Hidalgo International Bridge referred a Ford F-150 pick- up truck attempt- ing to enter the country from
Mexico for fur- ther inspection this week.
The officers searched the truck, which was being driven by a 23-year-old U.S. citizen from Pharr, Texas, and discovered the young mon- key concealed inside the vehi- cle's center con- sole.
A U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agent was sum- moned to the scene and identi- fied the primate as an endan- gered spider monkey, a
species native to the tropical forests of Central and South America, includ- ing southern Mexico.
The agent took custody of the monkey, which will be quaran- tined and exam- ined by a veteri- narian before being transferred to a new home. Customs officials said the animal might end up at the Gladys Porter Zoo in Brownsville, Texas.
"Finding this monkey is cer- tainly unusual but not a first for our officers at Hidalgo," Port Director Carlos Rodriguez said. "Our officers nor- mally discover prohibited agri- culture products, merchandise, currency, weapons and narcotics but on occasion they encounter peo- ple attempting to smuggle exotic animals as well."
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