Page 17 - iAV Digital Magazine #402

The only true FREE CLASSIFIEDS in the Antelope Valley... Where buyers and sellers meet!
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman Asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So... what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesi- tate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice- versa. It will bring about world peace and harmo- ny.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thou- sands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s con- siderate and fun, roman- tic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”
A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that dis- gusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.
After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that
awful stuff and come run around with us." The ele- phant agrees and they resume running around.
After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, lis- tened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”
“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).
The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).
After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan the price is different
“Sir, I’ll be straight with
you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and the man happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as the man is get- ting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric com- pany, water company, and phone company”,
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fel- low, don't you under- stand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would proba- bly give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's try- ing to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Fixer upper hoMeS
Bargains, Lowest Prices. These Palmdale/Lancaster homes need work. Call for a free list w/ pics WWW. rCAroSellShoMeS.CoM Free recorded Message
1-866-219-2592
iD# 1048
Amigo Real Estate, Agent #01785140
Used turkey fryer. Needs gas hose. Heavy & sturdy $20 • 272-9273 bet 8:30am- 8:30pm only373
Pulp Fiction dvd collectors edition $13. 2 DVD set in good cond • 272-9273 bet 8:30am-8:30pm363
Various trampoline springs, different sizes, $2-$4ea depending on how many bought • 272-9273 bet 8:30am-8:30pm363
Riddick Trilogy w/ Vin Diesel. 3 movies in orig case. Include Riddick, Pitch Black & Dark Fury. $12 • 272-9273 bet 8:30am- 8:30pm363
REAl ESTATE
REAL ESTATE LOANS
Conventional, FHA, VA, Jumbo. Interest only, ARM. We have all programs • 722-5255
R/E BROKERS
•••Meridian Capital AV•••:
First time buyer program. Credit Problems Ok! Down Payment Assistance. FREE CONSULTATION. Call: Tony Austin / realtor: 661-722-5255
•••Betty Marcos••• - pli realty. First time buyers. Why rent when you can own. Little or zero down • 661-944-7171
FORECLOSURE
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us today. Ask for Tony 722- 5255 or Betty at 661-944- 7171
APARTMENT: FOR RENT
rosamond palms
- Motel Apt Extended Stay $36/day - $825/mo - Large Studio w/ Kitchen $42/day - $950/mo
- 2 Room Double Suite $49 -$1,050/mo, Free WIFI & HBO & utilities • 661-256- 1964406dp
HOUSE FOR
RENT
California City: 3+2, upgrad- ed kitchen w/ stainless sink, granite counter top, covered patio, RV access, auto garage door, ceramic tiles all over the house, great for people w/ allergies, large fenced backyard & much more. $995/mo + $995 sec deposit • 661-944-7171
Leona Valley: 3+1, close to stores, dog ok. Credut check. Rent or lease • 947-
9338402
E. Lancaster: 2+1 $700. Proof of income • 946-0962402
ROOM FOR
bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us today. Ask for Tony Austin 661-722-5255 or Betty at 661-944-7171
RENT LAND
Lake LA: $350,utilities pd, female only • 264-4304405
Lancaster: Close to all, shared utilities, Income veri- fication, deposit required, no smoking, no pet, month to month $400/mo • 754-1115405
Free rent & utilities to care for elderly female. Female only must apply • 264-4304404
E. Lancaster: Free room in exchange for cooking, cleaning & caregiving, female, must pass livescan, no drugs or drama, back- ground check • 789-8729404
E. Lancaster: $400, shared utilities, kitchen, living room, shared bath. Refundable sec & cleaning deposit • 754-1115404
E. Lancaster: Close to all $525/mo $100 deposit, pd utilities, verfiable income, kitchen & pool privileges, smoke outside, month to month • 206-5815404
Palmdale: $375, $100sec deposit. Directv, clean room, ask for Ruby • 526- 6492403
Palmdale: $375, no alcohol or drugs, must be clean per- son • 265-8199403
Country living, avilable 4/1. $300/mo, possibly lower in exchange for housework • 492-2013403
Small room, pd utilities $450
402 • 947-9338
Away from City, shared bath $250+ $100dep & $300+$150dep • 946-0962402
$500/mo. No smoking, alco- hol or drugs • 323-633- 9436401
HOUSE
FOR SALE
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are
Yucca, Arizona: 2.5acres $5000 • 728-7687402
W. Lancaster: 5 acres. $20,000 • 944-7171
Cal City: Flat land ready to build w/ all utilities. Next to a house. In town $15,000 • 944-7171393
California City: Residential lot, all utilities $14,900 • 944-7171
Lake LA: 2.5 acres $29,900 • 661-944-7171
Mojave: 17acres, agriculture on Hwy 58, flat, surveyed (4Lots). Power in front $100,000 • 824-3333
3acres on Hwy 58. R1, flat w/ electric $48,000 • 824- 3333257
For sale: N. Edwards: 2.5 acres commercial land w/ 60’ Mobile Home, 2wells, 3,000sqft commercial bldg $299K • 824-3333
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us
MoBile hoMe For SAle! Double wide. 24x65, Aluminum sidings, 2+2, den. New ref range dish- washer, 2 cooler w/ Aircon in the kitchen. Includes all furnitures, Fixtures, TV, appliances & others MUST SEE! 661-256-0868 serious inquiry !!!
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661-266-4-ADS
ANTELOPE VALLEY FREE CLASSIFIEDS ;