Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #409

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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All appli- cants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snort- ed.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these ques- tions:
LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?” POLE: An acre and half,
and a nice 3 bedroom house.
LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?” POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mor- tar.”
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?” POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.
LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?” POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”
LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your mar- riage?” POLE: “Yes, we have hi- fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?” POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”
LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?” POLE: “She going to kill me!”
LAWYER: “What makes you think that?” POLE: “I got proof.”
LAWYER: “What kind of proof?” POLE: “She going to poi- son me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say
“Polish Remover.”
Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
“Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”
but there is no reply.....
He sent another text, “And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car” this time , She text back, “OMG really?”
Husband replied, : “No I just wanted to make sure you got my firstmessage”
During a church service, the minister noticed that a married parishioner, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After the service, before she left, the minster asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," the parish- ioner answered. "It's just that my baby was push- ing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a lit- tle."
"Well, that's good," the minister said, feeling relieved.
"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your serv- ice too."
The teacher of the earth science class was lectur- ing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longi- tude . . .?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
One day a friend's housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” She replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
And they say blondes are dumb...
Happy Labor Day
each year, on the first monday of September, the United States celebrates Labor Day. the holiday honors the American labor movement and exists to pay respect to the nation’s workers. the holiday became a fed- eral holiday on June 28, 1894. Labor Day 2016 falls on Sept. 5 and to celebrate, we have compiled a list of inspirational Labor Day quotes.
1. Without labor nothing prospers -- Sophocles
2. If any man tells you he loves America, yet hates labor, he is a liar. If any man tells you he trusts America, yet fears labor, he is a fool. -- Abraham lincoln
3. Labor Day is a glori- ous holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. --
Bill dodds
4. When you have a country that can boast that more than 95 per- cent of its eligible work- force is employed and pumping money back into economy, that's exceptionally good news, especially as we prepare to observe Labor Day. --
J. d. hayworth
5. Unless this love is among us, we can kill ourselves with work and it will only be work, not love. Work without love is slavery. --
mother teresa
6. Labor Day is devoted to no man, living or dead, to no sect, race or nation. --
Samuel Gompers
7. Of life's two chief prizes, beauty and truth, I found the first in a lov- ing heart and the sec- ond in a laborer's hand. -- Khalil Gibran
8. No work is insignifi- cant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excel- lence. -- martin luther King Jr
9. He who works with his hands is a laborer. He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist. --
St. Francis of Assisi
10. My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. --
indira Gandhi
11. Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finish- es nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it. --
ralph Waldo emerson
12. A hundred times every day, I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving. --
Albert einstein
13. One machine can do the work of 50 ordi- nary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. -- elbert hubbard
14. “Nothing will work unless you do.” --
maya Angelou
15. I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it. --
Thomas Jefferson
16. It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and res- olute courage that we move on to better things. -- theodore
roosevelt
17. Genius begins great works; labor alone fin- ishes them. --
Joseph Joubert
18. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. -- Confucius
19. Nobody can think straight who does not work. Idleness warps the mind. -- henry Ford
20. Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. --
mark twain
21. “There is no substi- tution for hard work.” -- thomas edison
22. "To find joy in work is to find the fountain of youth." -- Pearl S. Buck
23. “The end of labor is to gain leisure.” -- Aristotle
24. “The supreme accomplishment is to blur the lines between work and play.” --
Arnold J. toynbee
25. "The only way to enjoy anything in this life is to earn it first." -- Ginger rogers
26. “It is your work in life that is the ultimate seduction.” --
Pablo Picasso
27. “Genius begins with great works; labor alone finishes them.” --
Joseph Joubert
28. “I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it and apply more energy and time to it, and more con- sistency, you get a bet- ter result. It comes from the work.” -- louis C.K.
29. “The only place suc- cess comes before work is the dictionary.” -- vince lombardi
30. “I learned the value of hard work by working hard.” -- margaret mead
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