Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #12

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A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing- eye dog."
The second man gra- ciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not give Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.
When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?
Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".
Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".
A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together.
One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater.
Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie theater." The man protests that the goose is his best friend and that they do everything together, but the woman at the count- er will not sell him a tick- et.
Dejected, the man and his friend goose leave. A block from the movie the- ater the man has a stroke of genius, he decides to place the goose in his pants, buy one ticket, and go to see the show. He places the goose in his pants, goes back to the theater, the woman at the counter asks him if he took the goose home, he lies and says he left him at home.
Once they get inside of the theater the movie has already started and there is but one seat left next to an old man and woman. The man sits down next to the old man, and realizing he cannot let the goose out on to a seat since the theater is at capacity, he unzips his fly so the goose can stick his neck out and watch the movie.
Toward the middle of the movie, the old woman leans over to her hus- band and says, "These theaters are not what they used to be. Look at that couple over there, they're not even watch- ing the movie, they're just kissing. And those teenagers over there are texting instead of enjoy- ing the show."
The old man leans toward the old woman, while gesturing his
thumb back toward the man and his goose and says, "You think that's bad! This guy's dick is eating my popcorn!"
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see any- thing and I don't even need to lie.” I will defi- nitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have dis- played throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pas- tries?"
Trump replies, Look in Hillary's pocket.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
However, in some lan- guages, such as Russian, a double nega- tive remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
Imagine there is a bank, which credits your account each morning with Rs 86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening can- cels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every pence, of course!
Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is Time.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow."
Therefore, there is never not enough time or too much time. Time manage- ment is decided by us alone and nobody else. It is never the case of us not having enough time to do things, but the case of whether we want to do it.
low income. Can trade car services, cooking & errands • 361-6606/ 943-2382411
HOUSE
FOR SALE
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. call us today. Ask for Tony Austin 661-722-5255 or betty at 661-944-7171
LAnD
California Pines View $5000 • 206-5281410
W. Lancaster: 5 acres. $20,000•944-7171
Lake LA: 2.5 acres $29,900 • 661-944-7171
Mojave: 17acres, agriculture on Hwy 58, flat, surveyed (4Lots). Power in front $100,000 • 824-3333
3acres on Hwy 58. R1, flat w/ electric $48,000 • 824-
MOBILE HOME
For Sale: Commercial zoned. 2.5acres w/ mobile home & 3000sqft metal bldg in No. Edwards $100,000 • 824-3333336
SPORTinG
GOOdS
Commander F700 mountain
415 bike, 24spd • 974-3380
Exercise bike • 974-3380414
Weights - (2)small, (3)medium & (5)large • 265- 8178413
Elliptical $55 • 265-8178
413
Used helmet for hockey or football w/ full face guard $15 • 272-9273 bet 8:30am-
3333
257
For sale: N. Edwards: 2.5 acres commercial land w/ 60’ Mobile Home, 2wells, 3,000sqft commercial bldg $299K • 824-3333
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. bargain Prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. call us today. bettyat661-944-7171
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