Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #383

The only true FREE CLASSIFIEDS in the Antelope Valley... Where buyers and sellers meet!
Husband and wife are shopping in Safeway when the man picks up a dozen bottles of Budweiser and sticks it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on special, only $10 for 12 bottles," he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shop- ping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beauti- ful," she says. The man replies, "So does 12 bottles of Budweiser. And it's half the price!"
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest that are killed first. This selection benefits the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular elimination of the slowest and weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular con- sumption of beer elimi- nates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
a few observations on life
1. Children. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
4. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
5. Laugh at your prob- lems, everybody else does.
6. Did you know that dol- phins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy ... I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?!
Out of here, ye shame- less girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Daddy... as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a member- ship to the country club and... an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says....”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said ... a PROTESTANT!
Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”
FIxer uPPer Homes
Bargains, Lowest Prices. These homes need work. Call for a free list w/ pics WWW. rcaroseLLsHomes.com Free recorded Message 1-866-247-0349 ID#1048
Amigo Real Estate, Agent #01785140
moBILe Home For saLe! Double wide. 24x65, Aluminum sidings, 2+2, den. New ref range dishwasher, 2 cooler w/ Aircon in the kitchen. Includes all furni- tures, Fixtures, TV, appliances & others MUST SEE! 661-256-0868 serious inquiry !!!
$100deposit • 206-5815387
Trailer for rent for 1 person, female preferred, self con- tained. Has everything •
448-9829386
W. Lancaster: Private room w/ own bath, close to all, nice area. $500, paid utili-
ties • 818-448-9829 CalCity: Must have car, rent
W. Lancaster: $550+$100dep. Pd utilities. Masterbedroom w/ private bath, walk-in closet, fur- nished, full privileges. Internet, pool & jacuzzi. No pets, smoking or drugs •
No drugs or alcohol $450 • 265-8178382
Masterbedroom, furnished. No smoking & overnighter $450 • 947-9338382
Furnished, private bath, pd utilities, parking. Near shops & dining. Safe & quiet area. No pets & drugs $400 • 805-416-3221382
Room w/ balcony, for one person, shared bath, wash- er, dryer, kitchen. No smok- ing & overnighter • 947- 9338382
Rancho Vista: Private bath, close to mall, DirecTV, inter- net. No pets or drugs $500+ $200 sec • 266-1947382
Lake LA: $300 + utilities • 264-4304384
Palmdale: Masterbedroom,
382 full bath $450 • 674-5747
Shared bath, full house priv- ileges, own car, pet ok. No drugs or alcohol, smoke outside. Must have income. $400/mo+ $400dep. Pd utili-
382 ties • 264-4304
Cal City: $300, pd utilities • 998-6342382
Room in exchange for some work • 270-9665
Littlerock: New family home, full house privileges $500 • 482-0875382
W. Palmdale: $500/mo. Share all amenities, no
drugs • 274-2141 382
Littlerock: 82nd & Ave U. 3+2, fireplace, living & din- ing room, approx 1700sqft, single story. Credit & income check $1,150 • 733-
6595 376
HOUSE
FOR SALE
Lancaster: 3+2, fenced yard, automatic sprinkler, auto garage door. Ceramic tiles throughout. Patio, gran- ite countertops, stainless steel sink, new appliances, upgraded baths, must see! $171,500 • 944-7171
over 200 houses & con- dos in the antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. call us today. ask for Tony austin 661-722-5255 or Betty at 661-944-7171
LAnD
Yucca, AZ: 2.5acres, owner will carry, term • 728-7687385
2 Cemetery lots. Joshua Tree Memorial park $2000 each • 341-8367386
California City: Residential lot $14,900 • 944-7171
Lake LA: 2.5 acres $29,900 • 661-944-7171
2+acres - 70th west & Ave. D4 $64,000; 2.5acres - 70th west & Ave D8 $47,250; 9+acres - Corner of Phillips & Neuralia Rd $49,500 • 942-8894bs
Mojave: 17acres, agriculture on Hwy 58, flat, surveyed (4Lots). Power in front $100,000 • 824-3333
3acres on Hwy 58. R1, flat w/ electric $48,000 • 824-
bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. call us today. Betty at 661-944- 7171
MOBILE HOME
For Rent: Phelan, 2+1, sin- gle wide, 2 acres, Clean & quiet. Single senior $500 • 714-794-7547382
For Rent: Mobile or Trailer. $350/mo. 8262 E. Ave U, Littlerock • 733-6595379
For Sale: Commercial zoned. 2.5acres w/ mobile home & 3000sqft metal bldg in No. Edwards $100,000 • 824-3333336
STORAgE/ SPACE
Parking space for rent or for gardening to plant vegeta- bles or???. 5acres on Littlerock on 82nd Ave & Ave U • 733-6595376
secure mInI sTorage. $1 moves you in. Selected sizes. Call for details 24hrs Security, Private PO Boxes, No Deposit Required. Units 10’-12’ high not 8’ 661-947-5400 37560 Sierra Hwy Palmdale
SPORTinG
GOOdS
Teeter hang up, EP series 560, like new $200 • 794-
8522 387
3) 20x20 large tent, different colors $300 for all • 944-
387 0240
3333
257
485-9592
386
386
negotiable • 350-7501
Furnished room, quiet, near bus line & shops. No alco- hol & drugs. Prefer 50yrs &
386
718-2020
385
For sale: N. Edwards: 2.5 acres commercial land w/ 60’ Mobile Home, 2wells, 3,000sqft commercial bldg $299K • 824-3333
over 200 houses & con- dos in the antelope Valley. Bargain Prices. These are
older • 974-5185
386
FREE room in exchange for cooking, cleaning & part time relief care giver. Must pass LiveScan for possible full time w/ pay. Female • 789-8729385
E. Lancaster: Shared bath, $400/mo + 1/3 utilities. Wifi, plenty of treet parking • 483- 4529385
W. Palmdale: Single person,
W. Lancaster: Huge master bedroom w/ own private bath. Close to all, nice area, paid utilities $700 • 818-
Treadmill $300 • 794-8522
387
Power X men’s bike. 26’
16
661-266-4-ADS
ANTELOPE VALLEY FREE CLASSIFIEDS ;