Page 36 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
She was choking. I froze.
The nurse looked over and said, “It’s OK, she always does that when I feed her lunch.” My mind screamed, “It’s NOT OK! This is my mother, and neither she nor anyone else should be choking on her lunch of bits of chicken, beans, and mashed potatoes.” I had swung by the hospital to see Mom for a long lunch visit from my law office. As a young partner and a dad with a young family, others largely dictated my life, if not by the billable hour. So, the chance to see my mom over lunch was a welcome change.
Mom, only 63, was fighting diabetes. She’d been in the hospital for over a week with yet another set of infections that kept beating her down. Mostly, they hit her foot. Her health problems accelerated ever since she and her husband (my stepfather, Jack) got caught in their Florida high rise earlier that winter in what became known as a “White Hurricane” that swept to the north, dropping feet of snow across the South. She suffered a heart attack then and had to stay in Florida for weeks as she tried to recover.
Finally, she was healthy enough to travel, so I flew down from Cleveland to drive them the two days home to Ohio for more treatment as she was still deathly ill. Now, over lunch, she was choking, and she was able to clear her throat, and on the next spoon, she choked again. The nurse noted Mom was not eating as she was choking all the time.
My mind jumped to spoon-feeding baby food to my
little kids. My youngest would choke on larger chunks
of food, too. I mushed up Mom’s lunch, so it became as unrecognizable as baby food with that in mind. Mom swallowed. She ate. Almost ravenously. Even the nurse was surprised.
Later that evening, I stopped by on the way home. It was after 11 pm, and the only light in the room aside from the medical equipment lights was a small lamp bathing Mom’s face as she lay almost asleep. Hearing a noise, I turned
to find the attending physician coming through on his last rounds. He put his hand on my shoulder and noted, “Your mother is shutting down. People do that as they prepare to die. One by one, or sometimes all together, their systems wind down eventually to a stop.” While not unexpected, it was still sobering as I considered why and how.
Her grandkids would never know her. She was “young,” and I was only 35! The physician noted that her choking was another sign Mom was getting ready to go. But it made no sense to me. I related how Mom ate after I mushed up her food, and the doc said it was no surprise as she was
still drinking some fluids but not keeping down any solids.
I commented that she was not throwing up but rather coughing up food she could not seem to swallow. It was as if she had a blockage at the top of her esophagus.
In the dim light, I made out the doc’s face. He had one
of those “so-now-you-think-you’re-a-doctor” looks. He strove to ease my mind, “It’s part of the dying process,” “It’s natural,” and “often seen.” Yet, it still did not make sense the more I thought about it. Finally, I asked him to see her the next day with a gastroenterologist. He pushed back at first but, after some discussion, relented.
The next day, the GE found she had severe esophagitis,
an intense infection at the top of her esophagus, blocking her ability to swallow anything but fluids or mush. After treatment with an antibiotic, Mom recovered and lived on.
Keep your common sense and stand up for what is right.
I learned a key lesson. Don’t just accept, but question firmly but politely. Allow your common sense to have a role. Physicians ordinarily know their books and are usually adept at putting odds and ends together for a diagnosis that makes sense. Still, sometimes, they get so locked into their assumptions and predetermined beliefs they are unable to see solutions right in front of them.
Another example took place a couple of years later after
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