Page 49 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
My journey caring for my in-laws is complete, but for my parents, it is continuing. It was and remained heart-wrenching. Telling my father-in-law, who was physically deteriorating due to untreated diabetes but mentally alert that he could no longer drive, was one of the hardest conversations I have had...until I had to explain to my mother, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, that she could no longer drive. Accepting the unavoidable responsibility of caring for your parents as they age hurts, and yet is the greatest gift of love. Still, finding the fine line between caring and controlling is not easy, particularly if you want to remain sensitive to your parents’ need for independence.
After we divorced our first spouses, my husband, Andy,
and I met. By the time we met, Andy’s mom (Roz) was already ill, and I don’t ever remember my mother-in-law
as a healthy person. In fact, unbeknown to us, she was undergoing treatment for a rare form of leukemia when we married. As she became sicker, we tried to discuss finding an assisted living facility to take some of the stress of her care from my father-in-law, Murry. Her response: “You want to lock me up and throw away the key!” Upon hearing this, Murry insisted on caring for her until the end and refused 24-hour assistance. But because he was alive, neither Andy nor I participated in her care. My father-in-law? That’s a different story.
We knew that Murry refused to follow the proper diet for a diabetic—indeed, we spent one Christmas Day in Delray Hospital with him (he lost his big toe on that occasion).
We also knew that he was significantly overweight but did not realize that the combination was slowly killing him until we saw him on Christmas 2018. After he fell asleep at the dinner table and we realized he could no longer walk (although he tried with a walker), we had the “car” conversation, knowing that we took away his freedom
by taking away his keys. This was not the first time we discussed this issue. When he called us two years prior,
in 2016, to tell us he had struck a fire hydrant, we raised
the issue, but our conversation did not seem to affect him. Although we raised the issue periodically after that, we were mindful of the balance between caring and control and did not force any actions or decisions.
In 2018, however, we insisted he stop driving, and he finally listened. To say the conversation was hard understates the anger and hurt we all experienced. When we could see that we were not making any impact, Andy finally asked Murry:
“What do you want your legacy to be? That you got off the road a day too late?” Harsh? Yes. Equally hurtful. But
we could not have been more omniscient. Shortly after he agreed to stop driving, one of his contemporaries whom he knew well struck and killed two young boys because, in part, his reflexes were not fast enough to react to two teenagers daring each other to step out into moving traffic.
Lesson one: you must have hard conversations with your parent as they age, keeping in mind their perspective.
Shortly after that, Murry caught pneumonia and was hospitalized. When he recovered, he could not return home. He paid all his bills and managed all his doctor/dentist appointments until that point. Andy and I traveled from New York to south Florida every three weeks from January 2019 until he passed in July 2019 (shortly before the FDCC summer meeting). From the change of address forms
to creating accounts online to pay his bills to a power of attorney to the “shopping for” an assisted living facility (and the furniture needed), we did it all. We learned about the proper socks he needed, bought Depends, and then bought more Depends.
One Friday night at the airport, I remember Andy on his cell phone and me on mine, trying to explain to the nurses and aides in the nursing home that Andy’s Dad was incoherent and needed a doctor, stat!
Lesson two: you must advocate for your parent and be “present”—even if present means daily phone calls.
Lesson three: Patience, and remember to breathe!
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