Page 53 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
What I’ve prepared in the narrative section below is more a “story” than advice in the “war stories” tradition we are familiar with in our professional lives. However, the story can certainly wait until you have time for those who need some direct input. In response to the request for some practical thoughts and pointers immediately below, I’ve compiled a few which readers may see echoed by contributors to other chapters of this work – repetition is why we “practice” law, and so hopefully, these assists when you need to focus:
Here are a few thoughts to open a dialogue on dealing with aging relatives:
We’re lawyers, and we tend to think we can do it all, but we’d often be wiser to look up a classmate or get a referral from a trusted colleague to a lawyer who does estate planning. Why?
n You need someone objective to assist and who you can trust to give some required counsel to your relatives without you looking like you are self-serving, controlling, etc., which can get in the way of constructive discussions about planning and care.
n Depending on the local business and legal environment where your relatives reside, certain institutions require paperwork (in my instance, powers of attorney for both property, which includes finances, and personal care, which includes healthcare decisions) when addressing the needs of aging relatives.
n Because, whether aging parents or others (in my instance, I had my father’s siblings in addition to my parents, and my parents were more remote on the west coast while the siblings were all here in my home province – more on managing from afar below), you should want the best for them – and you’re not at your best when acting in this capacity – so get someone who can act and more importantly be seen by your relatives as that objective and practical trusted advisor.
n Discuss this now, before it’s needed –
o It’s a difficult discussion for most North Americans as
we tend to avoid bad news –
o But however bad it might seem in theory, it can be so much easier or more difficult depending on whether
you’ve already had or avoided the “discussion.”
o This should include personal preferences in the event of incapacity of one or both parents or relatives, geographic concerns, local resource concerns, and simple logistics (which can be the most challenging where distance is a factor).
n When you cannot “be there” to assist:
o Do not be afraid to lean on those who your aging relatives know best, whether they be in the local community organization, church, synagogue, etc.
o We’re often reluctant to impose and even more so when it comes to enlisting help for others when we feel we should be “in charge” of caring for them.
o Yet the mirror image of “it takes a village to raise a child” is also true at the other end of the timeline:
“It takes a village to care for a senior,” and you’d be surprised at who in that village is ready, willing and able to assist – apart from having a classmate out west who practices estates law and so was able to help with the paperwork and counseling required.
n in my late parents’ case, it was their local church that, recognizing my inability to manage from a distance of almost three thousand miles without their help, stepped in.
n Members of the parish were quick to arrange for meal delivery, checking in occasionally and reporting to me on needs, etc.
n When my late father was no longer able to operate a car safely, the church knew he liked his freedom. So, with my input, he took on the responsibility of
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