Page 57 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
Vancouver Island in British Columbia. They did so to meet my mom’s desire to retire to a more temperate climate like her home in the north of England and, in part, to be with and assist my older brother in raising their granddaughter. Ironically, Nanaimo is a former coal-mining town like the place where my mom grew up. Once they moved to the west coast, visits to my parents were fewer and farther between than had been the case when I was in undergrad and graduate school. The demands of a legal career combined with distance and cost of travel meant trips west were cherished, planned well in advance, and always with less time to visit than was needed or desired.
Pausing here, readers may wonder why sharing such early life details is of any moment for a piece addressing the care of elderly parents and relatives. My purpose and message are simple:
n To fairly inform what you do requires recognizing why, and of course, your immediate answer is “because I care.”
n But to know how deeply you care about and for your aging loved ones, you are best served to take a bit of time to recall the memory of when they cared most deeply about and for you.
n This is to recognize that even in the angry moments, the not-so-pleasant encounters, the “I wish you had never been born” diatribes every self-respecting parent (or aunt or uncle) has thought in vivid detail not said out loud, there is underlying and unconditional love.
The impish grin hopefully leavens all of these challenging moments remembered, giggles, and laughter, which remind us why we parent (or are the patient aunt or uncle) and what we once were when we were, in turn, parented (or in the case of uncles and aunts, loosely supervised) by those we are now so challenged to care for...
But I digress... moving to the more recent past, the first
inkling of anything amiss was shortly after I made it to the arrivals area at the Toronto airport to meet my parents on a rare visit east. They were flying in for a visit to spend time doting on their two granddaughters, then only in grade school. Given the distance, cost of travel, and busy lives, particularly after the girls were born, we had only been out to the west coast to see them a handful of times for family trips. The technology back then was not what we all now take for granted. So periodically taking videos with a video camera and couriering videocassette recordings of our daughters out to my parents for them to review was the substitute.
As I looked through the baggage collection zone each time the automatic opaque sliding doors opened, 7 I felt vaguely disturbed. I could see my dad pushing a baggage cart, which was normal, but his and my mom’s conduct was somehow “off.” The first glimpse was not a concern, but when the doors opened again, I could see that he had a slightly vacant look in his eyes as if somewhat confused or lost. When the doors opened again, I could see mild frustration on my mom’s face, and dad appeared to be the source. No surprise there. After a long flight, but while I could not then place my finger on it, I would later realize what I had seen was an example of my dad’s deteriorating mental state.
They eventually emerged with their baggage duly loaded on the cart, and we made our way to the car rental kiosk. Their dad went through the motions he’d been familiar with as a seasoned traveler for the federal civil service.8 They followed me home, about a 15-minute drive from the airport in non- rush hour traffic.
The next sign of anything untoward was somewhat more alarming and out of character for Dad, who had always been a skilled driver in the city and on the highway. In my youth, I learned a few good lessons that came back to me when driving on highways – once, when a rear tire blew while I was driving my soccer teammates and coach in a long passenger van returning from a game in rural Nova Scotia, and another time when I hit white ice at about 60
7 At the time, following the horror of 9-11, this was a new development in travel security, thus preventing hosts from directly meeting passengers at the baggage carousel to assist with luggage.
8 His duties often took him on long flights or where highways permitted, longer drives by car to remote communities, first in the eastern arctic and later in central and northern Manitoba.
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