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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
realized this was a cathartic moment for her. If her son were repulsed by her leg, it would be devastating to her. Trying not to show any unease, I gently pulled the cover and bandage wrap back. I took her lower thigh, holding it as if she was as beautiful and whole as ever. I looked up at her and smiled. Her eyes softened, and tears welled up. She said she feared I would draw back, showing rejection. But instead of following my own initial emotions and fears, I leaned in. It was about Mom, not me.
Her confidence returned. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic and cane. Later that summer, she began speaking to amputee groups about coping with their losses. She helped others overcome the emotions and fears that come from an amputation. Mom flourished for a time before she ultimately passed that December.
My second point comes from all of this: it is not about you. It’s about them. It remains our responsibility to ease their transition peacefully and not concern ourselves with making ourselves feel better. If one thinks about it, nothing can make us feel better in the face of the loss ahead. But by stepping out of ourselves and focusing on them, we can ease their path by responding with love at every turn, no matter how tough it can get on us. And that brings the third point to focus.
Learn to depend on resources, for we are not alone in this process in most cases.
We are far better off today than we were thirty years ago when Mom was in decline. Paula leaned on Alzheimer’s and Dementia patient care programs to learn what to anticipate in dealing with Lorrie’s situation. Resources just seemed to flow once she tapped into these programs.
The information is more understandable than things
were with my dad fifteen years ago. This is primarily due
to the internet and the ease of finding almost anything
about everything. Aside from our faith, these resources impressively show how we are not so alone in these situations anymore.
Use the sites from established and dependable facilities, agencies, and journals, and do not depend on information from anything that seems amateurish. Sites from dealing with a disease process to coping, from what to expect to
how to reach out to find help, all abound. Information on working through issues with health insurance, Medicare/ Medicaid, life insurance, nursing home insurance, and financial coaching can be an ongoing help. What care facilities are out there, and how does one select one? How does one pay for that if no one planned for it in advance? How to deal with the after-death experiences from funeral homes, final memorial or funeral information, gravesite, and cremation info, and how folks grieve.
These resources will help you, and they will help you
get through. In addition, most of all, by leaning on such abundant resources, we are not alone. The weight of all that seems to be ahead for those in these situations can and should readily be shared by those who know, are there for us, and can smooth out the wrinkles and get us through.
In the end, these are the three most valuable lessons in my estimation:
1. Be where you are calm and collected, aware of what is going on so that you can depend both on your common sense and the doctor’s advice in finding the best path forward for your loved one and your family;
2. When it comes to your loved one’s transition, it is about them, not you – and no matter what, you’ll grow from knowing you did your best for them in the end and
3. Know that you are not alone, but you have incredible resources for learning and problem-solving if you ask.
None of this part of life is easy; however, it does not have to be as hard as it seems because indeed, there is nothing you will face that someone, somewhere, has not faced before. All you need to do is reach out.
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Craig A. Marvinney is the founding member of The Marvinney Law Firm in Cleveland, OH. Contact him at: camarvinney@gmail.com.