Page 49 - FDCC_AgingParents

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
And then . . .Covid. The isolation caused a rapid deterioration, and in April 2019, the formal diagnosis was Alzheimer’s. After numerous discussions with Stu, we finally found a memory care unit 5 minutes from my brother, with an independent living facility for Stu.
From July 2019 to November 2019, when he moved, I asked my father the same question multiple times. . . “Dad, do you need me to come down and help you move? If so, please let me know so that I can isolate first.” His answer, repeatedly, was “no”. . .—until two nights before the move when he called me and said, “I need your help.”
Honey was not only “lost” when I arrived, but she was also ill, with swollen feet and gastrointestinal problems. The day we moved her into the memory care unit was when I insisted on meeting the Director of Nursing, and I sat outside her office for almost an hour until she realized I was not leaving until I spoke to her.
Return to Lesson Two - You must be an advocate.
In addition to Honey’s memory loss, Stu also suffered and continues to suffer the loss of his wife and marriage. And so, I have become a therapist. Every night on the phone--many nights as long as 45 minutes—as Stu processed and still processes his loss.
Return to Lesson Three - Patience and remember to breathe.
While Stu pays his bills, does his own shopping, and is self- sufficient, I am sure that the day will come when he needs help, and the cycle will begin again.
And as time passes, I remind my father of Lesson Four. Life is for the living. No matter how hard the situation, you must continue to live your life. Unless he wants to be sad, he needs to make a life for himself. It’s a tough message—for both him and me.
Yes, I cry. . . for the loss. The loss of Murry, who knew that Andy and I loved each other and loved me as a daughter, although he did not understand divorce. The loss of my mother, who was perhaps my biggest advocate and why
I went to law school. The decline in my father—a man I
thought was invincible, who now flounders with indecision.
I never found any book or article with clear guidance, probably because every family dynamic and situation differs. The best help came from a therapist, who let me unload my frustrations and my fears, learned about me as
I spoke, made concrete suggestions, continually reminded me that I can only control myself, how I react, and my feelings, and then provided the best words for coping: what you are going through is complex, and the pain does not “leave”—it just becomes easier to manage. Learning that my contemporaries are going through the same problems and being able to share, even though there is never a “right” answer, helps. Running, biking, hiking, and other forms of physical exercise also help relieve stress. Yoga continually reminds me to breathe and to accept “what is.” Sometimes, the logic of the law is the best escape. And sometimes, all I can do is take a break.
My Lessons?
n You must have hard conversations with your parent as they age, keeping in mind their perspective.
n You must advocate for your parent and be “present”— even if present means daily (or twice daily) phone calls.
n Patience, and remember to breathe;
n Life is for the living. No matter how hard the situation, you must continue to live your life. Don’t forget that you still have a spouse, children, and work.
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Sherri Pavloff is a Partner with Stonberg Hickman & Pavloff in New York, City, NY. Contact her at: Sherri.Pavloff@shplawyers.com.