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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
geographic concerns, local resource concerns, and simple logistics (which can be the most challenging where distance is a factor).
n When you cannot “be there” to assist,
o Do not be afraid to lean on those who your aging relatives know best, whether they be in the local community organization, church, synagogue, etc.
o We’re often reluctant to impose and even more so when it comes to enlisting help for others when we feel we should be “in charge” of caring for them.
o Yet the mirror image of “it takes a village to raise a child” is also true at the other end of the timeline:
“It takes a village to care for a senior,” and you’d be surprised at who in that village is ready, willing and able to assist – apart from having a classmate out west who practices estates law and so was able to help with the paperwork and counseling required,
n in my late parents’ case, it was their local church that, recognizing my inability to manage from a distance of almost three thousand miles without their help, stepped in
n Members of the parish were quick to arrange for meal delivery, checking in occasionally and reporting to me on needs, etc.
n When my late father was no longer able to operate a car safely, the church knew he liked his freedom. So, with my input, he took on the responsibility of arranging a senior’s bus pass – which I reimbursed them for out of his account on an agreed periodic basis – and which, in turn, gave my late father some sense of control even though he was frustrated at no longer being behind the wheel.
n Don’t fight City Hall:
o While you may feel you’re now “the adult,” remember that aging does not and should not be made to take away your parents’ or other relatives’ grace and dignity. .–
o Respect must remain, and perhaps it is most beneficial to consider them objectively, as you would a client – they have the right to be wrong, and unless it is genuinely endangering them, there is no need to “control” – provide that sage advice, but let the client decide.
o As with a reluctant client, guiding with a suggestive narrative sometimes helps – like the witness who eventually owns the idea and theme you are developing at trial. This requires work, and while
it is not always successful and is often frustrating – rarely garnering a “thank you,” you’ll feel more “in your zone” by borrowing a little from your honed professional skillset.
n Overall, the effort to treat them “professionally” and compassionately will ensure our elders maintain a graceful and dignified presence in their worlds, regardless of whether they appreciate what we do for them. Be sure you consider and discuss their “end-of-life” preferences with them – doing so while they can still express them will take the burden of decision-making off your shoulders. And remember: This is not about us. It’s about them.
These are my practical pointers. They are in some respects amplified in the war story below, and I hope that, along with the other contributors to this work, what follows lends some comfort and context to the difficult subject of elder care.
Some thoughts on managing aging in place from a distance
This is a war story in three parts, the first being the longest, the second shorter, and the last the shortest:
I. Suddenly, a gradual condition made apparent.
I grew up as the son of parents who were not immediately an obvious match.
Mom was born near Newcastle-upon-Tyne in the northeastern part of England, one of two siblings and
the only daughter of a coal miner who, my older brother explained, was one of the very few crew leaders after each
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