Page 55 - FDCC_AgingParents

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
school. Given the distance, cost of travel, and busy lives, particularly after the girls were born, we had only been out to the west coast to see them a handful of times for family trips. The technology back then was not what we all now take for granted. So periodically taking videos with a video camera and couriering videocassette recordings of our daughters out to my parents for them to review was the substitute.
As I looked through the baggage collection zone each time the automatic opaque sliding doors opened, 7 I felt vaguely disturbed. I could see my dad pushing a baggage cart, which was normal, but his and my mom’s conduct was somehow “off.” The first glimpse was not a concern, but when the doors opened again, I could see that he had a slightly vacant look in his eyes as if somewhat confused or lost. When the doors opened again, I could see mild frustration on my mom’s face, and dad appeared to be the source. No surprise there. After a long flight, but while I could not then place my finger on it, I would later realize what I had seen was an example of my dad’s deteriorating mental state.
They eventually emerged with their baggage duly loaded on the cart, and we made our way to the car rental kiosk. Their dad went through the motions he’d been familiar with as a seasoned traveler for the federal civil service.8 They followed me home, about a 15-minute drive from the airport in non- rush hour traffic.
The next sign of anything untoward was somewhat more alarming and out of character for Dad, who had always been a skilled driver in the city and on the highway. In my youth, I learned a few good lessons that came back to me when driving on highways – once, when a rear tire blew while I was driving my soccer teammates and coach in a long passenger van returning from a game in rural Nova Scotia, and another time when I hit white ice at about 60 mph on my way to visit clients in rural Manitoba. In short, I trusted my dad’s driving skills without question based on the lessons learned at his knee.
As parents, we worked full-time, and the girls were generally in summer camp during the day. My parents wanted to visit my dad’s family in his hometown, a drive that was about an hour and a half out of the city. We all agreed it would be a nice adventure away from day camp for the granddaughters. Dad had flown into Toronto to stay briefly with us once before when we lived in an apartment with only one child. He was then attending to the details of his younger sister’s sudden passing and funeral, which we attended in separate cars. Returning from the roughly 11⁄2 hour drive to his hometown, he noticed the significant changes to the highway exits and layout since his last visit a decade or so before.
Remembering this, and before leaving for work on the morning of their adventure with granddaughters in tow,
I reminded him, but otherwise, he had no concerns or worries. When I arrived home that evening, all seemed fine. I asked our eldest daughter about the trip. She cheerfully replied that grandpa got lost a few times on the way home, amongst other details. I assumed from this that perhaps he had ignored or forgotten my caution about the changes to the highway layout and so thought nothing more of it... until further details came out about just what my daughter had meant about getting lost.
As it turns out, the problem was not on the highway or in his hometown, both of which he seemed fine navigating.9 Instead, it was in our neighborhood where he got “lost.” Since the street we lived on was only two blocks long in a section of old Toronto laid out on a grid pattern, there is not much to mystify an out-of-town driver, and certainly
not one with my dad’s driving experience. As later relayed to me, it was, in fact, my eldest daughter who eventually guided grandpa back to the house. This was, Mom later told me, after dad had at least twice driven past our marked and signed street.
This was before the days of Google maps or other navigation software – and so mom, who relied on dad to do
7 At the time, following the horror of 9-11, this was a new development in travel security, thus preventing hosts from directly meeting passengers at the baggage carousel to assist with luggage.
8 His duties often took him on long flights or where highways permitted, longer drives by car to remote communities, first in the eastern arctic and later in central and northern Manitoba.
9 For those not familiar, the tendency in dementia patients is an ability to retrieve with sometimes remarkable clarity longer term memories while having more difficulty with short term memories.
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