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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
if he was taking any breaks, but
of course, he was not. The doctor
instructed us to check Dad into
assisted living at a local nursing
home for two weeks to rest and
recuperate. Dad and I went
straight there, and within a few
hours, Dad had a furnished room
and a meal plan for two weeks. As
I left to go home, where Ann was
spending time with Mom, Dad
asked, “John, tell me the truth. I am going to die here, aren’t I?” I assured him that he would not die but rest and get better, and we would change his living arrangement.
That day, my sister flew home from Arizona, where she lived, and for the next two weeks, we looked after them. Mom was not happy, but because of her paranoia, she would not leave the house to visit Dad. She was afraid it was a
ploy for us to get her into the nursing home. For the first two days, Dad slept almost non-stop. On the third day, he got up and about and started eating. We took him newspapers and books, and he began reading. By the end of the week, he was roaming the nursing home halls and visiting community friends there. His blood pressure stabilized, and his vomiting stopped. He was regaining strength and vigor, and his head was clearing. By the end of the second week, we had reached an understanding that he would go home, but at least three days a week, he would leave for most of the day and do something relaxing.
While Dad was in the nursing home, we found a local home healthcare agency with an excellent reputation, and we interviewed their employees. We let Mom know what would be happening and that if she protested, we would have no choice but to put her in an assisted living facility. Initially, she was standoffish to the helpers who came to our home, but eventually, she relaxed and grew accustomed to having them there.
To take the burden of preparing meals three times a day
off Dad, we contacted the local college where Dad taught, and we found a fraternity house cook who was willing to make extra meals for Mom and Dad for $4 a meal. Each afternoon, Dad would drive over and pick up their dinner. As it turned out, the meals were wonderful, and my folks enjoyed them a great deal. During the summer and during breaks in the school year, the main college kitchen remained
open, and Dad could get meals there.
Over time, Mom’s medications helped her, and she regained
some of her executive function. Further, once she no longer had to worry about my dad, she relaxed, which helped her too. She never completely lost her paranoia,
but she began welcoming an
occasional visitor, and she let Ann and me come again for overnights and weekends. (She still
would not agree to let me cook in her kitchen even though she knew I was an accomplished cook.) While they did
not return to their prior social life, they often got out for restaurant lunches or dinners and came to Indianapolis to visit us. Dad remained healthy and rested, and the cost of in-home health was not a burden to them.
In June of 2015, five and a half years after Mom’s fall, Mom was diagnosed with heart failure that was probably linked
to the sedentary life she had been living with her crossword puzzles. She died shortly after that diagnosis. She was 83. Today, Dad is 92. He is in great health, has good hearing, and a perfectly sound mind. He is living contentedly in a nice assisted living facility. He may live to be 100.
We still talk about the caregiver fatigue that nearly ended his life. He does not remember asking me if he would die in the nursing home, but he does remember being there. And, off and on, I have heard him caution a friend or family member about caregiver fatigue.
I hope that this account of our experience will remind you about this serious subject if and when you are confronted with a similar situation. Caregiver fatigue is real, and, as we learned, it can be dangerous. Don’t let it happen to you or your loved ones.
Many healthcare providers will tell you that the risk of death of the caregiver is real and that many elderly caregivers die before the person for whom they are caring.
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John Trimble is a Partner with Lewis Wagner in Indianapolis, IN. Contact him at: jtrimble@lewiswagner.com.