Page 9 - FDCC_AgingParents

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
I struggled for two years to figure out what to do with all
of my parents’ house stuff. In the spring of 2017, I was
on vacation with my family when I got a phone call from
a young couple who said they wanted to buy my parents’ house and tour it. “No,” I said. I could not imagine letting anyone tour the house or considering selling it until I had cleaned it out, re-painted it, and generally fixed it up. One of my law partners told me I was “crazy” and told me to hire an estate sale company and sell the house as-is. I’m so glad that I heeded her advice. I sold the house two years before my dad died. I knew he wasn’t going back to that house, and there was no reason to leave it sitting. I had to sheepishly call the couple back and tell them sure they could tour the house. I showed them the house and sold it to them the same afternoon in the Spring of 2017.
I hired two lovely women who went through everything in my parents’ house and had an estate sale. One of my most significant pieces of advice is don’t spend weeks, months,
or years going through your parents’ home. And indeed, don’t store things in a storage unit. One of my friends stored items in a storage unit for years and paid thousands of dollars in storage fees. When she finally did go through it all, most of what was in the storage unit was either donated or trashed. Instead, take what you want and find a reputable estate sale company to sell the rest. Most of these companies will even let you leave a list of what you want
if you do not know where it is when you are looking for
it. I took three of my mother’s yearly collector plates - one for the year we were married and one associated with the years our two kids were born. I made a high school friend take the plate associated with the year we graduated from high school. The rest were sold. My mother’s coffee cups that I thought I wanted never materialized. But I did not want the coffee cups. What I wanted were the memories
of my mother. I was happy when Pottery Barn and Target sold some reproductions I bought. They remind me of my mother, which is all I wanted. Your memories are in your heart. I asked my kids who wanted my silver service, and the response I got was, “What’s a silver service?” The articles are correct. Your kids don’t want your stuff.
7. Palliative Care and hospice require tough decisions
The hospital physicians or social workers will likely talk
to you about palliative care or hospice. Palliative care is specialized medical care for people with serious illnesses, such as cancer or heart failure. Patients in palliative care may continue to receive medical care intended to cure their illness and, at the same time, care for their symptoms or palliative care. Palliative care is meant to enhance a person’s current care by focusing on the quality of life for them and their family. Like palliative care, hospice provides comprehensive comfort care and support for the family, but attempts to cure the person’s illness are stopped in hospice. Hospice is provided for a person with a terminal illness whose doctor believes they have six months or less to live if the illness runs its natural course.
My mother had hospice care in the nursing home before she died in 2010. Her hospice nurse was a dear family friend and provided great comfort to her.
My father was ill less than a week. I received a call on a Sunday afternoon that he was ill. Because his hemoglobin was so low, they flew him to Sioux Falls. I had to quickly change my plane ticket from Aberdeen to Sioux Falls, which I did from the airport parking lot. He was in the hospital in Sioux Falls for less than a week before I made the difficult decision to transfer him to a hospice house, where he passed away in approximately 24 hours.
Signing DNR orders for my parents was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it helped me understand what their wishes were. Make sure you have these discussions with your loved ones and have this spelled out in the healthcare directive.
8. Lean on your friends, including your FDCC friends
As an only child, I did not have any siblings to help me care for my parents. In some ways, it was easier as I was the only one to make any decisions. This contrasts with my
6