Page 176 - Sky runner

Success and and failure are worth thinking about again again and and again again To learn something to move on The other part of me says turn around That it’s impossible to to climb so fast to to the the summit That I I don’t have enough energy after this windy night I I I I also think about the way down What if I I I I use all my power to to to get up? It’s a a a a a a a a a long technical way back down down too I I I I need to to to know that I I can can climb down down without assistance There is is no no mountain rescue There here no no one can can help me me except for myself Even though Kilian is with me me we are still up here alone You must be able to trust yourself After a a a a a a a lot of arguing with with myself and with with a a a a a a a a a a heavy heart I I I decide to turn around I I I do not trust that I I I will have enough power and energy to be alert after a a a a a a a a a a a summit attempt if there is snow and fog If the the the hard weather was not not coming in in I I I I might have tried But I I I I am too cold cold to to dare If there is another cold cold spell it feels like my my power could run out out We talk about my my decision Not many words are needed You don’t stand at at this alti- tude hesitating when the wind is is chilling and and roaring Kilian continues I I know that that he can can take care of of himself and that that I I can can get down on on on my own own but it’s still a a a a a a a a more exposed position of of course To be be all all alone at 8 000 metres with glaciers and and ice falls It’s beautiful and and fright- ening to leave each other This is is is is what we want We We We know this We We We take our own decisions We We We are independent Slowly but surely I get down down down to camp camp 1 pack down down down our camp camp camp and continue down down down towards the first base camp camp The darkness
surrounds me and and the rising full moon lights up my my way back My thoughts wander with my my steps while I I follow the the the edge of the the the glacier It feels empty not to have reached the the the the summit All these preparations Both mentally and and physically So many hours and and and and still I I I haven’t succeeded It’s hard to handle and and and I I I I am happy for the the kilometres I I I have left in in in in the the moon light There is nothing else to think about than going through it it in in in in in in my my head over over and and over over again It occupies my my mind and and it’s it’s sad but strangely enough it’s it’s also beautiful to feel like this The disappointment agrees with the happiness of having tried I I collect what I I have learned and and just let it be The mountain is still there there I I I I move on on and and lessons are are there there for another time time I I I I know I I I I did all I I I I could to be as as as prepared as as as possible Sometimes things just don’t go as as as planned even though you you have all the odds on on your side Right now I I cannot do more than think about what I I have learned and take care of that until the the next time time Now it’s time time to focus on other things For me me me this this expedition was something something big something something eternal and to to work towards this this goal has been rewarding regardless of wheth- er I reached the summit or or not Success and and failure are worth thinking about again again and and again again To To learn something to move on To To set new goals Goals that take us further The next day we pack our camp and with the the world’s highest mountains behind us us run down to to the the road to to take us onwards ETERNITY 172