Page 1381 - Enders_Game_Full_Book

"I can't think about that right now."
"Right now is the only time you'll have the power to do it." "You overestimate me."
"You underestimate yourself."
***
Dragon Army had only been practicing for a month when Wiggin came into the barracks only a few seconds after lights-on, brandishing a slip of paper. Battle orders. They would face Rabbit Army at 0700. And they'd do it without breakfast.
"I don't want anybody throwing up in the battleroom." "Can we at least take a leak first?" asked Nikolai.
"No more than a decaliter," said Wiggin.
Everybody laughed, but they were also nervous. As a new army, with only a handful of veterans, they didn't actually expect to win, but they didn't want to be humiliated, either. They all had different ways of dealing with nerves -- some became silent, others talkative. Some joked and bantered, others turned surly. Some just lay back down on their bunks and closed their eyes.
Bean watched them. He tried to remember if the kids in Poke's crew ever did these things. And then realized: They were *hungry*, not afraid of being shamed. You don't get this kind of fear until you have enough to eat. So it was the bullies who felt like these kids, afraid of humiliation but not of going hungry. And sure enough, the bullies standing around in line showed all these attitudes. They were always performing, always aware of others watching them. Fearful they would have to fight; eager for it, too.
What do I feel?
What's wrong with me that I have to think about it to know? Oh ... I'm just sitting here, watching. I'm one of *those*.
Bean pulled out his flash suit, but then realized he had to use the toilet before putting it on. He dropped down onto the deck and pulled his towel from its hook, wrapped it around himself. For a moment he flashed back to that night he had tossed his towel under a bunk and climbed into the ventilation system. He'd never fit now. Too thickly muscled, too tall. He was still the shortest kid in Battle School, and he doubted if anyone else would notice how he'd grown, but he was aware of how his arms and legs were longer. He could reach things more easily. Didn't have to jump so often just to do normal things like palming his way into the gym.