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"I'm having a hard enough time keeping up as it is." "You're a good soldier."
"By the skin of my teeth. With a big helping of luck." "That's how *all* good soldiers do it."
"Bean, if I lose one practice a day from my regular toon, then I'll fall behind. How can I make it up? And one practice a day with you won't be enough. I'm a smart kid, Bean, but I'm not Ender. I'm not you. That's the thing that I don't think you really get. How it feels *not* to be you. Things just aren't as easy and clear."
"It's not easy for me, either."
"Look, I know that, Bean. And there are some things I can do for you. This isn't one of them. Please."
It was Bean's first experience with command, and it wasn't working. He found himself getting angry, wanting to say Screw you and go on to someone else. Only he couldn't be angry at the only true friend he had. And he also couldn't easily take no for an answer. "Nikolai, what we're doing won't be hard. Stunts and tricks."
Nikolai closed his eyes. "Bean, you're making me feel bad."
"I don't want you to feel bad, Sinterklaas, but this is the assignment I was given, because Ender thinks Dragon Army needs this. You were on the list, his choice not mine."
"But you don't have to choose me."
"So I ask the next kid, and he says, 'Nikolai's on this squad, right?' and I say, No, he didn't want to. That makes them all feel like they can say no. And they'll *want* to say no, because nobody wants to be taking orders from me."
"A month ago, sure, that would have been true. But they know you're a solid soldier. I've heard people talk about you. They respect you."
Again, it would have been so easy to do what Nikolai wanted and let him off the hook on this. And, as a friend, that would be the *right* thing to do. But Bean couldn't think as a friend. He had to deal with the fact that he had been given a command and he had to make it work.
Did he really need Nikolai?
"I'm just thinking out loud, Nikolai, because you're the only one I can say this to, but see, I'm scared. I wanted to lead a toon, but that's because I didn't know anything about what leaders do. I've had a week of battles to see how Crazy Tom holds the group of us together, the voice he uses for