Page 27 - Sonoma County Gazette February 2020

Now for Something Completely Different
This is my 100th column for The Sonoma County Gazette!
During the past eight-plus years, I have written about my patients and their diseases, discussed the daily life and trials of the small town veterinarian, lauded veterinary staff, and trashed on-line “wisdom.” I have dissed crazy people, and channeled the internal organs of “Spot,” a mystical dog whose organs talk, and argue, about their critical functions and relative importance. It’s been a heck of a ride!
Today, in my cente-column-enial with The Gazette, I want to do something I should have done years ago. As some of you may have guessed, I am of Italian descent. As such, I am genetically compelled to cook. The pinnacle of my culinary accomplishment is the recipe that I shall reveal here:
Dr. T’s Crazy Good Dungeness Crab!
It began twenty years ago, when my soul rebelled at the suffering of poor little crabbies being dropped alive into boiling water. That’s gotta hurt! Don’t get me wrong here. I have no problem with killing the crab. I think of it as helping them proceed along their path towards reincarnation as a higher life form (that is, as me). I just don’t want to hurt them. Why? Because a world with less pain and suffering is a better world. Ask any crab.
After studying crab anatomy and physiology, I decided that the nicest thing to do is to pack them in a bucket of ice for a couple of hours. Once chilled, they are insensible, easily and safely handled, and barely move. NOW, killing them is kind and simple. I prefer a machete and a rubber mallet. Place the crab on his back on a wooden pillar and set the blade over his midline, then make a single, solid whack with the mallet and split the crab completely in half. Crabs go limp, their nervous system cut in half, and their blood volume emptied in an instant. It’s as painless as a crab’s death can be.
Spay and Neuter: With almost 35,000 cats altered to date,
we are reducing the population of unowned, free-roaming cats eliminating health issues, euthanasia instances, animal abuse and neglect before they can ever occur. Learn more
Colony Management: FFSC maintains a large number of colonies throughout the county and whenever necessary will assist the public with any problems related to colony management. Learn more
Wine Country Barn Cats: Sometimes cats can’t be returned to where they were trapped. These cats are relocated to properties where they can work, be cared for, and lead happy healthy lives. Learn more
Adoption: Some cats living in feral colonies are tame and some are kittens that can be tamed down. After work in foster care, these kitties become adoptable and are searching for a new home. See our adorable, adoptable cats.
Education: From feral to tame, from potty issues to behavior issues, we may just have the answer. Discover more
Volunteer! If you like cats, are at least 18 years old*, and can make a commitment of six-eight hours/month for six months. Volunteer Orientations are scheduled once a month, from 10-11 a.m. at our office in Santa Rosa. To register, contact our volunteer coordinator by email or at 576-7999.
Donations: Help us create a healthy, more secure world for unowned feral, free-roaming and community cats of Sonoma County. Every donation makes a difference. Forgotten felines, 1814 Empire Industrial Ct. Suite G, Santa Rosa, CA 95403 (707) 576-7999 forgottenfelines.com - AND - Pick ot the Litter Thrift Shop, 1701 Piner Rd. # A, Santa Rosa, CA 95403 (707) 570-2590
Why bother? BECAUSE THEY TASTE BETTER! They don’t spend their final minutes suffering, flooding their system with stress hormones. They never know what hit them. I have no desire to have crab guts boiled into my food.
Clean the crab: Tear off the carapace, remove the viscera (with a quick swing over a deserving plant), tear off the tail, mouthparts, and gills. Then, hold the crab’s legs and swing him vertically to remove as much blood as possible. Do this in your garden: Plants go crazy over crab blood.
Why bother? The late bitter flavor of Dungeness crab is the BLOOD. When you drain them, the meat is sweeter. Only the parts of the crab you eat go into the pot. I stack cleaned crabs on ice until I’m ready to cook.
What barbarian would boil a fine piece of meat? Boiling the crab promotes a soft shell and soggy meat. Dungeness crab must be steamed.
Use a big pot and vegetable steaming rack, enough water to touch the bottom of the steaming rack and add sea salt to approximate seawater. Add a splash of apple cider vinegar, a big heaping tablespoon of Old Bay Seasoning, and a heaping tablespoon of powdered chicken bullion, stir to mix, replace the steaming rack, cover the pot on high heat and bring to a boil.
When steam escapes from the lid, add crab and cover. Continue heating until steam begins to escape again. Watch the pot! When it begins steaming, set a timer and steam for 38 minutes, not more, not less. Then stack the crab in a big bowl and serve immediately.
You can serve with butter or lemon, but this recipe needs only sourdough French bread: Butter that! You will find that the meat is sweet, the shells crack easily, and that the flesh is snow white, firm and flakes easily from the shell - and it’s Crazy Good!
Enjoy!
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