Page 12 - Small Shops of Sonoma County 2018

By Mo McElroy
The GIFT of FEEDBACK
How many of you are parents?
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s Mother’s Day. s
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bout 17 years ago, Sara was 12,
I think I see one hand up there in Forestville. If you’re not a parent, do you think your parents knew what they were doing?
had no money, and couldn’t drive themselves to the store.
I I
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o
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mmy 10, and Bonnie 8. They were
How many of you knew exactly what you were doing from the start?
u s s s s i i n n g g a a n nd d s s t t r r e e s s s s e e d d a a b b o o u ut t w wh h a at t u
w
w
to get me for Mother’s Day, they t
“Don’t get me a gift. I talk a lot
a n n d d w wo o n n d d e e r r i i f f a a n ny y t t h h i i n n g g i i s s s s t t i i c c k k i i n n g g. . I It t a
ould help me as a mom to know.” So,
Imagine if there were a magic key that unlocked the mystery of parenting. Would you be interested? I think I may have accidentally, out of desperation, stumbled on that key.
imagined. They were similar and different, and this became our annual tradition removing the stress and pressure of what do for me and to this day
are my most treasured possessions. Yes, I am still getting lists from my 24, 28 and 30-year old cubs!
I’m going to share that key with you and how it came to be...and how you can use it in your life.
I cried first, then felt a calmness. I was doing okay! More than that, they were incorporating the lessons into their own set of values and actions in life. They started articulating these and once it went from their heads to hearts to paper, these became part of their conscious being, and I began to see them living from those values that are now their roadmap for life.
t t
h h
i i
s
sked them each to write a list of ten
In all seriousness, parenting
children is the single most epic thing we will do.
n
ngs they learned from me.
T
e
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e girls presented their lists to me on Mother’s Day, and it was beyond anything I
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h
This key is Ask + Tell.
I have 30 years of parenting experience, and according to the criminal justice system it only takes ten years to be an expert witness. I’m an expert on parenting three times over.
Ask + Tell is an alchemical practice that facilitates authentic, honest, and transparent communication by allowing people to share the voice of their heart with those that care for them.
On their lists were lessons like “There is always time to be kind”, Hiding from problems only makes them worse”, “Don’t look ahead or behind- stay in the present day,” Being myself is the only way I should be”, “When she says shaving your legs isn’t
As parents, we have super high goals for them, often unrealistic. I cheered my girls on at a thousand El Molino and
Empire League volleyball
games secretly praying they
would all get full college
scholarships.
worth it-listen to her.” Today’s high- tech world
Parenting is hard, with
high stakes.
compounds the communication challenges we face as parents, caretakers, and human beings, creating a sense of isolation and disconnect between us, and the heart is often missing from our conversations. The alchemical practice of Ask + Tell transforms relationships
Lots of people don’t want to have kids because of how they were parented. Children are continually absorbing everything we say and do; they absorb our emotional, spiritual, and physical state. For good and for bad.
by affirming our worth and the contribution we’re making in another person’s life.
You can’t make another
person Pee, Eat, or Sleep.
As parents, this is what we
are always trying to get
our kids to do. Kids learn
how to communicate based
on how we communicate
whether we are screaming, punishing, gentle or compassionate.
In this upcoming season
of gratitude, I invite you to embark on the Ask + Tell journey and discover the contribution you are making
to the lives of those you care about, affirm the contribution they made or are still making in
And it often felt like I was in a vacuum. It was counter-intuitive not to ask how I was doing when I was always teaching, telling, coaching, and scolding.
It’s a natural process; you can do it anywhere and its universally applicable in personal relationships (parent, caregiver, friendship), or professional institutions (schools businesses, etc.) Practice with those you care about (share lists) Transform your own relationships. Most people are not expecting this, and it will open their hearts.
After about 13 years into this parenting
journey, I needed to know if what I said
Was I making a difference as a parent? What was my cub’s absorption rate? I needed a litmus test. So, I asked for a list at the perfect opportunity
Everyone has a Mother (living or dead); many have a father or adult who taught them something. Reflect on the adult that shared or taught you a valuable lesson. Give them the gift of writing that list for them. That expression in our hearts needs to come out. Imagine if this is how we lived.
your life, and begin to co-create your relationships.
12 - www.sonomacountygazette.com - 12/18 SS
I’ll leave you with my vision of the world:
was being heard.
People are living from a place of knowing and being affirmed that they have made a difference;
they are worthy.