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But I have a horrible feeling I will.
Where is he? Why hasn’t he been here? Is he trying to get me to lower my guard? I mustn’t do that. I must continue my vigil by the window.
Keep waiting. Keep watching.
AUGUST 23
I’m starting to think I imagined the whole thing. Maybe I did.
Gabriel keeps asking me how I’m doing—if I’m okay. I can tell he’s worried, despite me insisting I’m fine. My acting doesn’t seem to be convincing him anymore. I need to try harder. I pretend to be focused on work all day, whereas in fact work couldn’t be further from my mind. I’ve lost any connection with it, any impetus to finish the paintings. As I write this, I can’t honestly say I think I’ll paint again. Not until all this is behind me, anyway.
I’ve been making excuses about why I don’t want to go out, but Gabriel told me tonight I had no choice. Max has asked us out to dinner.
I can’t think of anything worse than seeing Max. I pleaded with Gabriel to cancel, saying I needed to work, but he told me it would do me good to go. He insisted and I could tell he meant it, so I had no choice. I gave in and said yes.
I’ve been worrying all day, about tonight. Because as soon as my mind started turning on it, everything seemed to fall into place. Everything made sense. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, it’s so obvious.
I understand now. The man—the man who’s watching—it isn’t Jean-Felix. Jean-Felix isn’t dark or devious enough to do this kind of thing. Who else would want to torment me, scare me, punish me?
Max.
Of course it’s Max. It has to be Max. He’s trying to drive me crazy.
I’m dreading it, but I must work up the courage somehow. I’m going to do it tonight. I’m going to confront him.
AUGUST 24
It felt strange and a little frightening to go out last night, after so long inside the house.
The outside world felt huge—an empty space around me, the big sky above. I felt very small and held on to Gabriel’s arm for support.
Even though we went to our old favorite, Augusto’s, I didn’t feel safe. It didn’t feel comforting or