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We didn’t speak for the rest of the evening. We went to bed in silence.
This morning we had sex and made up. We always seem to resolve our problems in bed. It’s easier, somehow—when you’re naked and half-asleep under the covers—to whisper, “I’m sorry,” and mean it. All defenses and bullshit justifications are discarded, lying in a heap on the floor with our clothes.
“Maybe we should make it a rule to always conduct arguments in bed.” He kissed me. “I love you. I’ll get rid of the rifle, I promise.”
“No,” I said. “It doesn’t matter, forget it. It’s okay. Really.”
Gabriel kissed me again and pulled me close. I held on to him, laying my naked body on his. I closed my eyes and stretched out on a friendly rock that was molded to my shape. And I felt at peace at last.
JULY 23
I’m writing this in Café de l’Artista. I come here most days now. I keep feeling the need to get out of the house. When I’m around other people, even if it’s only the bored waitress in here, I feel connected to the world somehow, like a human being.
Otherwise I’m in danger of ceasing to exist. Like I might disappear.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear—like tonight. Gabriel has invited his brother over for dinner. He sprung it on me this morning.
“We’ve not seen Max in ages,” he said. “Not since Joel’s housewarming. I’ll do a barbecue.” Gabriel looked at me strangely. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Why would I mind?”
Gabriel laughed. “You’re such a bad liar, you know that? I can read your face like a very short book.”
“And what does it say?”
“That you don’t like Max. You never have.”
“That’s not true.” I could feel myself going red. I shrugged and looked away. “Of course I like Max. It’ll be nice to see him. When are you going to sit for me again? I need to finish the picture.”
Gabriel smiled. “How about this weekend? And about the painting—do me a favor. Don’t show Max, all right? I don’t want him to see me as Jesus—I’ll never live it down.”
“Max won’t see it. It’s not ready yet.”
And even if it were, Max is the last person I want in my studio. I thought that but didn’t say it.
I’m dreading going home now. I want to stay here in this air-conditioned café and hide until Max