Page 55 - December 2018

Who am I? Big question.
What am I? That’s just as difficult.
I am a man. An old man.
A long life, made longer by life.
I still have more life to go. Maybe.
I have been hurt. Physically.
I have been hurt. Emotionally.
I have hurt. Physically.
I have hurt. Emotionally.
I have lied. A lot.
My lies are to make me who I am not.
I am a nobody. I have no purpose.
I lie to make me a somebody.
I lie to make people love me.
That love is a lie.
You remember your first.
What if your first was a rape.
What if your first was an abuse of power. What if your first is your same sex.
What if your first is there every time after. I have not raped.
I have had sex. Not made love.
I have used sex. To find love.
I have been haunted with guilt.
I have been haunted with shame.
‘’Who Am I?’’
I have tried to find help.
The shame is deep.
The shame has been evolving.
I can’t talk about it.
I can’t shut up about it.
It was wrong.
He should not have done it.
He should not have done it, again.
He should not have done it, again, again.
He should not have done it, again, again, again...
It was right.
I needed affection.
I needed meaning.
I needed recognition.
I needed to show I can be obedient. Am I in love?
I’m married. I love my wife. Do I?
I have children. I love my children. Do I? I have hurt my wife emotionally.
I am terrified I will hurt my children.
I accept my life.
I can’t forget what was done to me.
I can’t forget I consented.
I can’t forget the faces of those I have used. Hurt.
I have used them to find solace. I hav- en’t.
Today I move on.
Today I try to live a life of giving. Today I try to live a life of sustenance. Today I try to live a life of love.
Today I failed. Again.
I should not be here.
I keep hurting others.
I keep the lies coming.
I keep building my wall.
I keep seeing a life without me.
I should be here.
I have helped people.
I have made people feel cherished. I have gained a family’s love.
I have gained a family’s trust.
This has been a good life. This has been a good lie.
“Disturbance With A Mental” by John Tolley from In the Sink Publishing is available on Amazon in Kindle or paperback or can be ordered by going to www.DisturbanceWithAMental.com. Listen to John Tolley’s podcast at Inthesinkpublishing.com (click on the microphone).
CHICAGO LODGE 7 ■ DECEMBER 2018 55