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26 CHICAGO LODGE 7 ■ OCTOBER 2015
‘A brotherhood within a brotherhood’
To call Laugh Patrol a friendly competition would be an under- statement. Although Kokonis, Pacocha, Ronald Gaines Jr., Pat McGrath, and brothers Tom and Denny McKenna were vying for the title of Chicago’s funniest cop, they walked out with new or strength- ened relationships forged in the courage to become a performer, if only for one night.
“You’ve got to have some stones to come in here and actually go on stage. I’m so proud of everybody that did it,” McGrath, a two- time winner who works a K9 Detail. “This has become a true broth- erhood within a brotherhood. You’re willing to go on stage to embarrass yourself. People laugh at you, not with you.”
And, so, they took turns in front of the firing line. Legendary comedian Tom Dreesen, the night’s emcee and lead cheerleader, showed his humorous chops to warm the audience before each copmedian stepped to the edge of the stage and looked out into the darkness created by stage lights hoping to hear the sound of vindi- cation for their choice – laughter.
“It takes a lot of courage to do this,” Dreesen offered.
Pete Kokonis dropped his orange sport coat on the stage and pulled up a stool to tell tales of a cop from long ago – him – and the funny things that happen when you spend 38 years in this line of work. Like the uncle who sits on your couch and rattles off memo- ries, Kokonis said he knew his days as a cop were done when he spent more on Depends than on his uniform allowance.
He flashed back to being a rookie with a more senior partner, a guy with three months on the job who was a “@#$% genius.” They responded to a disturbance in a high-rise that turned out to be a bat clanging around the chandelier of a woman’s apartment. The part- ner blasted the bat with a single shot, sending blood, guts and plaster all over the unit, and leaving Kokonis convinced they were headed for trouble that didn’t materialize.
Kokonis got the crowd rolling about the time he lucked into catching a home invasion suspect who basically landed in his lap. That brought out detective-turned Hollywood star Dennis Farina, who asked him to gather people to do a lineup. The kicker: the sus- pect was a large Albino man, which left Kokonis hilariously exasper- ated at the task.
The McKenna brothers, with Denny playing the one-liner straight man to Tom’s long-winded storytelling, went back-and-forth during an extended set. Tom set the tone for his tales by saying it’s not about reciting jokes because police work has some inherently funny moments. He then, very matter-of-factly, proceeded to rattle off a pair of instances involving the unfortunate demise of dogs. A smat- tering of groans and chuckles from the audience prompted Denny to quip that maybe this wasn’t their kind of crowd – a line that got a bigger laugh.
“I tell that story and wonder why you people laugh at it,” Tom McKenna added.
He then lightened the mood by explaining his 34 years as a cop proved that you can tell just how drunk someone is by observing the size of their White Castle order.
Pacocha followed his mayoral zinger by jabbing himself for always looking older than he is, even back to his youth when he was the “mannish” 10-year-old on the playground. He whipped through bits about employees at Whole Foods – who apparently tried to sell him on the health benefits of a certain part of a bull’s body – thinking they’re better than people who work at Jewel; how his looks have been compared to a current-day Boy George; and delving into the
neighborhood aspect of police work by explaining how the phrase “Zimne Piwo” roughly translates to “We serve minors” in Polish.
Gaines, the runner-up to McGrath the last two years, hung with the topical for humorous observation in a short and sweet appear- ance that pondered an encounter between Caitlyn Jenner and “Peaches on 75th.” He also pointed out the everyday challenges as a cop makes being an Uber driver look like a good career option. Gaines earned applause when he flatly pointed out some higher- ups are more concerned about tattoos in a day and age when police have become targets for violent attacks.
McGrath walked in with a chance at the three-peat and stepped on stage in an attack mode of hilarious proportions. But he opened in an even-keel voice that revealed what he said were nerves. His mood lightened, he said, when he didn’t have to struggle to remove the microphone from its holder on the mic stand.
Then he launched into the character voices that made him champ twice before. “Clark Street Pat” went high-pitched and effeminate to rave about wonders he saw on Clark Street. The “Ter- minator” himself also made an appearance through McGrath’s retelling of a security detail for movie icon and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger that turned into a ride-along.
Hoots and hollers from the audience followed each performer’s set. Sighs of relief pushed out as the cops hit the steps descending back into the theater and everyday lives that, for the most part, cen- ter on their work and duty to serve.
As the judges pondered the 2015 champion – Gaines was selected to the loud approval of the crowd – Father Dan Brandt took the stage for a wild comedic duet with a habit-wearing, nun-impersonating
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Pete Kokonis, a 38-year veteran who retired six years ago, told tales from being a cop long ago.