Page 30 - The Final Exam Book - NO GRID 25:03:24

Millie
For a long time, I lived in a state of self- denial, both to myself and to those around me. I felt compelled to maintain a facade of resilience, as the saying goes, "putting on a brave face." I was the ever-present student at lectures, actively involved in various societies and departmental activities, and perpetually striving to appear upbeat.
The thought of sharing my true feelings "lled me with fear. I worried about being judged or, even worse, that someone might exploit my vulnerability. As a result, I kept a safe distance from others, never allowing anyone to get too close.
What I feared most was confronting the reality of the work needed to improve my mental health. It's a challenging and lengthy process, not a quick "x. After years of just getting by, my mental health began to deteriorate during my university years, but I didn't recognise the severity until I was in a deep slump. As a perfectionist, I had excelled academically and professionally, and my self-worth had become tied to this singular aspect of my identity – my intellectual achievements.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had internalised this narrow view of myself, basing my self-esteem on external
validation as a high achiever. My need for perfection began to in"ltrate every facet of my life. I felt compelled to be the perfect friend, partner, roommate, and daughter, and I couldn't forgive myself for any perceived shortcomings.
Sometimes, I even imposed my own unrealistic standards on others, feeling guilty whenever I prioritise my needs over theirs. I learned to suppress my emotions and focus outwardly instead. Hours of each day were consumed by self-criticism over my faults and failures, making it increasingly di$cult to concentrate on lectures, coursework, and studying. The academic work grew more demanding, requiring extensive reading and planning.
The pressure to perform well felt overwhelming, and the list of tasks needed to achieve perfection seemed insurmountable. I procrastinated until the eleventh hour, often only starting on the day of a deadline. I would rise early, frantically write essays or cram information, fuelled by anxiety and adrenaline. I awaited results with nerves, frustrated at myself for repeating this cycle.
My focus was misdirected towards seeking approval rather than engaging with the course content. I was driven by a desire for acceptance rather than a passion for success and learning.
Feeling helpless, I began to discuss my procrastination with friends, masking my concerns with humour. Given my still high grades, it's understandable that they didn't take my struggles seriously. I felt increasingly isolated, sinking into depression, and grappling with suicidal thoughts. I spent excessive time alone, made excuses, and barely slept.
Fear of the consequences of missing lectures or social events was the only thing that drove me out of my room. To compensate, I overcompensated with cheerfulness and humour as a defence mechanism. I stumbled into therapy almost by accident, initially seeking to help others rather than myself. During my "rst session, I de#ected the therapist's inquiries about my feelings and family history, uncomfortable with the personal attention.
"Why is this relevant?" I would ask, reluctant to accept that I deserved personal therapy.
The counsellor o!ered me six weeks of therapy, which I accepted, albeit with some reluctance. Throughout our sessions, I resisted her e!orts, often using humour to de#ect her observations. I feared that revealing my true self would lead to harsh judgement, preferring super"cial acceptance. Eventually, I had to confront the fact that I was struggling and that ignoring my own issues wouldn't make them disappear.
I cautiously began to share more of my vulnerabilities with the therapist and was met with empathy and support, not criticism. Through exploring my past and present relationships, including the therapeutic one, I gained insights into how past dynamics continued to a!ect me. With the limited number of sessions coming to an end, I am preparing to be referred for continued therapy. Although there's still much work to be done, I've made signi"cant progress and am better equipped to apply what I've learned in therapy to my daily life.