Page 19 - DFCS News Magazine Winter 2012

As told by DFCS member Jim Neal at convention buffet dinner.
IN THE SUMMER ISSUE OF THE DFC NEWS THE LEAD STORY WAS ABOUT GEORGE BALTHAZOR, A WWII, B-17 PILOT. I WAS A SEVEN YEAR OLD AT THE END OF HIS WAR AND THOUGHT EVERYONE CAME HOME TO A PARADE. NOT GEORGE. DUE TO HIS PERSONAL DEMONS, HIS FAMILY LOST HIM FOR THIRTY YEARS AND RECENTLY HE DIED ALONE.
THINKING ABOUT HIM, I REMEMBERED THE SUMMER OF 1994. IT WAS THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY AND THOSE VETERANS WERE RETURNING TO FRANCE FOR REUNIONS. I WAS A DELTA CAPTAIN THEN AND I MET JOE ON A TRIP TO PARIS. AS I WALKED THROUGH THE PLANE, A LADY STARTED A CONVERSATION THAT REPLAYED OFTEN THAT SUMMER. WHILE SHE SPOKE HER HUSBAND STARED AT HIS MOVIE AS THOUGH SHE WASN’T TALKING AND I WASN’T THERE. SHE ASKED WHAT I’D FLOWN BEFORE DELTA AND I TOLD HER. NEXT, WITH A LITTLE EDGE IN HER VOICE, HAD I SEEN COMBAT? I ALLOWED THAT I HAD. FINALLY, SHE ASKED WHERE AND HOW MUCH? QUIETLY, I TOLD HER AND THAT WE’D LOST 25% OF OUR PLANES AND CREWS. SUDDENLY, HER HUSBAND LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND STARTED TALKING, SLOWLY, QUIETLY AND WITH EMOTION. NO MATTER HIS SERVICE, NO MATTER HIS RANK, HE WAS NEVER THE HERO. IT WASN’T HOW HE AND PATTON SAVED EUROPE. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT “JOE.” JOEWAS A GREAT GUY, THE BROTHER HE NEVER HAD. JOE WAS ALWAYS THE HERO. AS HE TALKED HE WOULD LOOK AROUND AND JOE WASN’T IN THE SEAT BESIDE HIM. HE HADN’T BEEN, SINCE THAT DAY IN 1944. HIS BESTBUDDY WOULDHAVEBEENIFONLYTHESTORYTELLERHADAIMEDALITTLEBETTER, FLOWNALITTLEHIGHER,ORMAYBEALITTLELOWER.FINALLY,HEWASSPENT.SI- LENT...HIS EYES HAD TEARS AND A THOUSAND YARD STARE. THEN, AS IF ON CUE, HIS WIFE WOULD TELL ME SHE’D BEEN MARRIED TO THIS MAN FOR NEARLY FIFTY YEARS, BORNE HIS CHILDREN, YET SHE HAD NEVER HEARD THIS STORY BEFORE. THEN SHE’D TAKE HIS TREMBLING FIST AND OPEN IT TO A HAND. THEY’D HOLD EACH OTHER. THAT WAS MY SIG- NAL TO START WALKING. FREQUENTLY, TO GO WASH MY FACE SO THE OTHER PASSENGERS WOULDN’T SEE MY EYES. THE NEXT SUMMER IT WAS THE SAME STORY, DIFFERENT VETERANS, RETURNING FOR VE-DAY REUNIONS.
NOW, YOU’VE MET JOE. I’M SURE THERE ARE THOSE AMONG US WHO CARRY THEIR OWN JOE, AND HAVE FOR A LONG TIME. LET ME SHARE WHAT ILEARNED FROM THE GUYS WHO INTRODUCED HIM TO ME. THEY DIDN’T TALK TO ME AS THE CAPTAIN, OR AS JIM NEAL. FOR SOME REASON, THE SIMPLE ANSWERS I GAVE THEIRWIVES MADE ME SOMEONE TO WHOM THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT THEY FELT OR MEANT. THEY ALL NEEDED TO TALK, SOME FOR 50 YEARS. THE RIGHT PERSON, THE RIGHT MOMENT, JUST HADN’T COME ALONG BECAUSE MOST OF US WERE RAISED WITH WHAT I CALL THE JOHN WAYNE SYNDROME. THAT BIG BOYS DON’T CRY. IF YOU’RE BEING PRAISED JUST DRAG YOUR BOOT IN THE DIRT AND SAY AW-SHUCKS, M’AM, THEN SHAKE HANDS WITH THE SCHOOL MARM, KISS YOUR HORSE AND RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET. THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SUCCESSFUL SCRIPT FOR A THREE REEL MOVIE, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. NOT ONE IN WHICH WARRIOR’S HEARTS GET DENTED AND SOULSGET BRUISED. WE EACH THINK WE’RE THE FIRST TO HURT AND, THEREFORE, WE’RE WEAK. NOT SO. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU CAME HOME IN ’45 OR ’55 OR ’75 OR 2005.AFTER THE CIVIL WAR IT WAS CALLED “SOLDIER’S HEART.” THEN “SHELL SHOCK”, THEN “COMBAT FATIGUE”, THEN “PTSD”. THE DEMON IS ALWAYS THE SAME, ONLY IT'S NAME CHANGES.
I’M NOT SAYING BECOME SOME THUMB-SUCKING CRYBABY. WHAT I AM SUGGESTING IS DON’T KEEP EVERYTHING LOCKED UP INSIDE. IF I COULD GIVE EVERYONE A CHRISTMAS PRESENT, I’D GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO TALK WITH SOMEONE YOU TRUST...AND IF YOU DO TRUST THEM IT’S ALMOST TOO EASY, AND IT FEELS GOOD. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A $500/HOUR SHRINK. IT MIGHT BE THE GUY ON THE NEXT BARSTOOL OR SOMEONE IN THE PARKING LOT. THEWIVES SAY, “TALK TO ME, I LOVE YOU.” HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, SO YOU’LL KNOW WHO HE REALLY IS AND WHAT HE’S DONE. BUT, HE DOESN’T WANT YOU OR THE CHILDREN TO EVER SEE ALL THAT HE’S SEEN. THE BOOK “FLAG OF OUR FATHERS” HAS TO DO WITH THOSE WHO RAISED THE FLAG ON MOUNT SURIBACHI, IWO JIMA. THE MAN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POLE WAS A CORPSMAN WHO WON THE NAVY CROSS, BRAVING ENEMY FIRE SAVING MARINES. HIS SON NEVER KNEW THAT HIS FATHER WAS PART OF WORLD WAR II’s MOSTFAMOUS PICTURE OR THE HERO HE WAS. HE FOUND BOTH IN A BOX IN THE ATTIC...AFTER HIS FATHER DIED. I KNOW THAT OPENING UP AND TALKING TO SOMEONE IS PROBABLY TOUGHER THAN ANYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE, BUT THE PERMISSION I’M TALKING ABOUT IS WORTH MORE THAN GOLD. YOU GAVE TO YOUR COUNTRY, YOU’VE GIVEN TO YOUR FAMILY, NOW IT’S TIME TO GIVE YOURSELF YOU.
ALSO, IT’S NOT JUST COMBAT ISSUES. IT’S EVERYDAY LIVING. WHEN I GOT TO DELTA IN 1969 EVERYONE’S LIFE WAS PERFECT. I REMEMBERFLIGHTS IN WHICH THE CAPTAIN, WHO FLEW IN WW2, AND THE FIRST OFFICER, WHO FLEW IN KOREA, JUST TALKED TO ARGUE THE MERITS OF FORD VERSUS CHEVY PICKUP TRUCKS. ONLY FLIGHT ATTENDANTS CAME IN THE COCKPIT AND MENTIONED PERSONAL PROBLEMS. ABOUT 1973 A DEADHEADING PILOT SAID HIS SON HAD A BAD DRUG PROBLEM. IT WAS KILLING HIM AND DESTROYING THE FAMILY. THEN, 90% OF OUR PILOTS WERE MILITARY TRAINED AND MOST WERE FIRST BORN OR ONLY CHILDREN. WE COULD HANDLE A FIRE OR ANENGINE FAILURE, BUT NO ONE KNEW HOW TO RESPOND TO A PERSONAL PROBLEM. THE DUKE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT THAT. AS TIME PROGRESSED, COCKPITS LEARNED. IT TURNED OUT EVERYONE HAD BONES IN THEIR CLOSET. SOME BIG, SOME SMALL, BUT EVERYONE HAD THEM.
IN‘NAM,AMONGTHE70POUNDSOFGEARWESTRAPPEDONFOREVERYFLIGHTWAS ALARGEHUNTINGKNIFE.MINEISONMYBARATHOME,WHEREIUSEITTOCUTLIMESFOR MARGARITAS. AT DELTA, I HAD A FIRST-OFFICER WHO HAD FLOWN IN-COUNTRY LATER THAN I DID. HE WAS A GOOD PILOT AND MADE A THREE DAYTRIP ENJOYABLE. AFTER A FEW TRIPS TOGETHER HE ADMITTED TO HAVING ONE LASTING QUIRK. THAT EVERY NIGHT BEFORE HE COULD SLEEP HE HAD TO SEE HIS SURVIVAL KNFI E ON THE NIGHT STAND. HE AND HIS WIFE HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE BUT SHE WAS NEVER COMFORTABLE WITH THE KNIFE. SHE WAS AFRAID THAT SOME NIGHT HE MIGHT HAVE A BADDREAM AND MISTAKE HER FOR PART OF IT. ONE DAY SHE SAID, “EITHER THE KNIFE GOES OR I DO”. THE NEXT TRIP HE WAS REALLY QUIET. FINALLY, HE TOLD ME THATWHEN WE LANDED THE DIVORCE WOULD BE FINAL
I CAME HOME FROM NAM THINKING MY HEAD WAS ON STRAIGHT. I ONLY TOLD FUNNY OR SUPERFICIAL STORIES. I RARELY OPENED UP TO ANYONE. AT FIRST, I FOUND I HAD TO BE TOUCHING MY CHILDREN WHEN I TALKED TO THEM. THEN, A FRIEND TOLD ME I WAS TOUCHING EVERYONE I SPOKE TO, EVEN STRANGERS. ON LAYOVERS, I KNEW OF PET STORES WHERE I COULD PET CATS AND DOGS. ALONG THE WAY SOME COUNSELING HELPED. I’M STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS, BUT, FOR OTHER REASONS. I FOUND GOING TO HANOI ALONE AT NIGHT WAS TOUGH. I FOUND GOING TO THE VIET NAM WALL WAS IMPOSSIBLE: IT ONLY TOOK ME 10 YEARS. IN WHAT I’VE WRITTEN IDON’T MEAN TO SOUND LIKE A KNOW- IT-ALL. THERE’S NOT A DAY THAT PASSES WITHOUT THE THOUGHT THAT IF I’D AIMED A LITTLE BETTER, OR FLOWN ONE MORE MISSION, THERE MIGHT BE ONE LESS NAME ON THAT WALL. I’VE NEVER TOLD THIS TO OTHERS.
AT THIS YEARS CONVENTION, IN SEATTLE, I WALKED IN A STRANGER. I FOUND THE GUYS ON THE BAR STOOL NEXT TO ME, AND THE ONES IN THE PARKING LOT, WERE MY WINGMEN AND CLOSER THAN BLOOD FAMILY. THE REST OF MY FLIGHT WERE THEIR WIVES.
IF YOUR NEIGHBOR ASKS WHAT YOU READ HERE AND YOU SAY IT’S SO MUCH GARBAGE, THAT’S O.K., I’VE BEEN SHOT AT BY BIGGER GUNS. BUT, IF YOU OPEN UP WITH SOMEONE AND SLAY THE DEMON IN YOUR BRAINSTEM, IT WILL BE ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR JOE.
IN CLOSING, I PROPOSE A TOAST. .
WE WEAR THE WINGS OF OUR SERVICES
AND REMEMBER WHEN HAPPY HOUR AT THE CLUB WAS A GOOD THING, WHERE WE SWAPPED A FEW LIES,
PROVING WE COULD FLY THE BOX OUR PLANE CAME IN.
AND SOMEWHERE,
FOR DEEDS ACCOMPLISHED WHILE PARTICIPATING IN AERIAL FLIGHT, WE PROVED WE COULD FLY THE TREE FROM WHICH THE BOX WAS MADE
(STANDING AND GLASSES HIGH) “TO ALL OF US, FREE INSIDE...AND NEVER ANOTHER GEORGE.”
Page 19 The Distinguished Flying Cross News