Page 132 - Prayer Book

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Prayer B o ok
tion and without it being related to the sins I had confessed,
surprised me with the following question: “Do you have
mercy for your enemies?” I was taken aback! I thought to
myself, “But I don’t have any enemies!” And I impulsively
replied, “But I don’t have enemies!”
He remained silent. He said nothing.
Indeed, I had the privilege of living the first 25 years of
my life without ever feeling the terror of a threat from an
enemy. It was as if I naively lived in an unreal world, a
world without enemies. The real world, however, does have
enemies. I was living “in my own world,” so to speak.
That question from my spiritual father turned out to
be prophetic! From that moment on, I began to encounter
people who were hostile toward me, and soon, I started to
feel hostile toward them too. Their enmity was like a game
of dice. … I began to feel an unfamiliar need to defend
myself, to not only protect myself but to retaliate, to strike
back, to seek revenge! But what could I do? I was com-
pletely inexperienced! I kept getting confused! Every ex-
pression of hostility toward me, besides fear, also caused
me immense and unprecedented confusion. I didn’t know
how to face them, what to do, how to react, and, further-
more, how to strike back! As a result, I was always the
loser, the defeated one.
Then, I began to feel hatred and loathing toward my
enemies, and I was consumed by the passion for revenge!
I confess that, whenever I had the opportunity, I did take
revenge on them—and more! But whenever I couldn’t, I
would pray for God to intervene and “settle the score” for
me.