Page 29 - How Children Learn to Hate Their Parents

Contributing Factor Ten: The Malicious or Emotionally Fragile Parent (Part Two)
Fear of Abandonment
All humans are born with a fear of abandonment. Infants come with a built in "siren" to make certain that their caregivers always know where they are and that they require attention. As humans progress through the developmental cycle, that fear abates, but for some it remains a serious issue that impacts their ability to have healthy interpersonal relationships. Those who pathologically fear abandonment create "enmeshment" in relationships. When a relationship is enmeshed the individuals in the relationship are so overly involved with one another that their identies are one. Any separation either physical or emotional creates a sense of loss and panic, even if the separation is momentary.
Sometimes people with enmeshment and abandonment issues sabotage relationships. They fear abandonment so strongly that they smother their partners or imagine disloyalty and alternately love and punish them. It becomes unbearable to a partner and the relationship collapses.
Separation and divorce activates abandonment issues for some. When this happens parents place unreasonable emotional demands on children and the fear of abandonment generalizes into the irrational belief that if my child has too much fun, too much love, too much of a connection with the other parent, that child will leave me and I will be alone. In the panic that accompanies the fear this dynamic might create the following scenarios:
The belief that the other parents home is unsafe or dangerous and that the child needs limited contact with the parent to protect them.
Demands for constant contact with the child when at the other parents home, by telephone, video chat, text and through social media. If the other parent protests and says it is too much and is interfering with parenting time he or she is painted as the one who is unreasonable and unfair.
Overtures to the child that they should have a good time with the other parent, but that they will suffer and miss the child terribly until they return home.
In younger children especially, encouraging co-sleeping (which under other circumstances might be just fine) so that when the child transitions to the other parent's home they do not feel comfortable at night and want to go to the preferred parent. These overtures are also
29