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Contributing Factor Seven: Cut and Paste Parent Figures
After separation and divorce life goes on, people re-partner and especially in the beginning of a new relationship parents and new partners demonstrate happiness, warmth, collaboration, togetherness. It's a new tribe, with new events, experiences and adventures.
Often the influence of an extended family member like a controlling and over involved grandparent can influence the formation of a new, different family unit. I have heard on more than one occasion a child tell me things like, "I don't need my father, I have my poppy." (grandfather) What is so disturbing about this statement to me is how children learn that two parents are “un- needed," and replaceable.
I sometimes ask children (the older ones) who have rejected a parent if they would be upset if the parent that was rejected were hurt or passed away. I am told often a version of the statement, "That would make my life easier and I would not feel bad." The more sensitive version of this answer is usually something like "It would be a shame but I don't think it would be so bad." Even if you are a parent who hates your ex or soon to be ex, it is hard to see why you would not be horrified at the callous indifference shown in this attitude, but when I bring this to the attention of the preferred parent they often say, "I didn't cause that." I say in return, "You did not prevent it either."
It can go the other way too, with children resenting a new parent figure, shunning the parent who re-partners and not wanting to be with them out of loyalty the other parent.
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