Page 12 - Jan/Feb 2017 FTM

I wanted to drop the remaining rolls and wrap her in the stories of fellow abuse survivors who had found and created safety in their lives. I wanted to give
her magazine articles, books, TV shows, and Oprah quotes of women, men,
and families that had escaped ongoing trauma and were now indistinguishable from their coworkers and neighbours. But I couldn’t; I didn’t have them to give. The problem was not that such resilient survivors were rare, but that too few people were asking for their stories. After doing my best to reassure her, I asked her if it might help if people began asking for these stories. Perhaps someone might someday ask her for her story of transitioning from violent relationships to non-violent singlehood or relationships, I said, and she could share her insights.
She agreed to let me pursue her question further, and it began my research into survivor-couples—non- violent relationships in which at least one partner has experienced intimate violence within a prior relationship with someone else. Since starting this project, I have collected and analyzed research interviews, and have also listened as
a rapt non-researcher while strangers
at airports, laundromats, chat rooms,
and grocery stores speak of their their transitions from violence to nonviolence. There have been countless conversations after trauma resilience workshops, or
by email after an interview is published online. Estimates of the prevalence of intimate violence are heartbreakingly high; it makes sense that many people have once been victims but are no longer.
Over the course of this on-and-off research project, and in my work as a family therapist and therapy supervisor, I have become privy to jaw-dropping stories of survival. The grandmother who had a secret savings account to buy her children one-way tickets anywhere as soon as they were old enough to leave. The young man whose girlfriend wielded knives whenever she was high. The vibrant woman who stood between him and their children, hoping to be able to keep standing long enough. The woman who could never clean the house well enough to avoid the wrath of her wife. The time he hit her with a
resilience might be defined as: the ability to reclaim our
lives and ourselves after trauma, to redefine success for ourselves, and to move toward it.
10 FAMILY THERAPY MAGAZINE
car. The ex who kept breaking into her apartment. Stories upon stories.
Our literature is overflowing with the cruelty that humans are capable of inflicting upon each other. It becomes tempting to imagine that every story ends with violence. Some do, sadly, but many others take unexpected turns. Her adult children returned to help her escape and think the world of her new spouse. He confided in a male co-worker that took him in; he can’t stop glowing about his current girlfriend and how caring (and sexy) she is. Her neighbors gathered around her on her porch and drove him away; she began co-parenting with her best friend. She has been married for over a decade and the pair are active
in providing resources to help other violence survivors. When she took him to court, she discovered that a police officer had documented her calls so well that he was incarcerated. Her neighbor heard her crying alone, introduced himself, and offered to listen. They were some of the happiest newlyweds I’ve ever met.
Some violence survivors tell me that
they are public about their pasts, but many disclose that they are not. It’s
not necessarily that they refuse to acknowledge it or have no ongoing struggles. Other identities are more primary than that of survivor, and few had ever been asked about the transition out or the process of co-creating nonviolent relationships afterward. While learning from ongoing struggle and crisis is important and highly relevant, it must be balanced with a careful search for strengths and wellness. Attempting to help clients on their paths to nonviolence requires examples of hope and health; otherwise, it is like trying
to drive forward with a clearly visible rearview mirror mounted on an opaque windshield. There is harm in neglecting to collect, share, and analyze these stories in favor of focusing exclusively on pathology and ongoing distress.
In addition to allowing me to create a model for transition from violent to non-violent relationships, working and