Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #581

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
I was sitting behind an enthusi- astic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch.
The poor kid walked every bat- ter. It was only the first inning and the score was 12–0. Then one batter finally hit the ball.
"Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."
I was waiting tables at a country club when an ele- gantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"
Being new in town, Sophia was trying to find the library.
She asks a man standing by, “Hi. Excuse me. Do you know where the library’s at?”
The man looked down at her and replied, “Young lady, you do know that it’s wrong to end a sentence with a proposition, right?”
Sophia then replied, “Do you know where the library’s at, jerk?”
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alco- holic. I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alco- holics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, wel- come to the fami- ly!
Two months later.
So how are you? Have your drink- ing habits changed?
game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.
I started a conver- sation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical cover- age.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no. I got out of prison.”
Yes, that’s really a
Man Accused Of Using Police Lights So He Could Get To Work Faster
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQAIK2k_9aQ
By Kathy Reakes
New London County resident Michael Marshall, 43, of Groton, was charged on Wednesday, Oct. 25 during a stop on I-95.
According to Connecticut State Police, an on-duty trooper out of Bridgeport after observing the Challenger displaying sever- al steady red and blue illuminated lights.
A run of the license plate found the vehicle did not belong to
a law enforce- ment agency, state police said.
When asked about the vehi- cle’s lights, Marshall, admit- ted to using aftermarket con- trols inside of the vehicle to illumi- nate the red and blue lights for the purposes of driv- ing faster through traffic during his com- mute to work, state police said.
Additionally, Marshall acknowledged that he was not a sworn law enforcement offi- cer and did not otherwise pos-
sess authoriza- tions for the use of steady red and blue lights.
Based upon information gath- ered during the investigation, the Dodge Challenger was towed from the scene and Marshall was taken into cus- tody, and charged with impersonating a police officer
Marshall was released on a $5,000 surety bond and is scheduled for arraignment on Monday. Nov. 13.
iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine