Page 49 - G-Collard Green Garden

Some children behave like the more controlling characters of the story, the Owl and Bull. Where others are more like the needy character, the Rabbit. They maintain these “Thumbs Down” styles of behavior because of their irra onal beliefs and the reinforcement they receive for their manipula ve behavior.
A child who says something like, “Oh, she never knows the answer, call on me,” is the embodiment of the Owl character. She may be smart and she may even be correct about the other child not knowing the answer but she is demonstra ng poor social and coping skills.
Her behavior may not cause much nega ve response from adults and may in fact be praised, “You are such a smart li le thing,” which will validate her beliefs and increase the likelihood of her con nuing in this behavior. Being smart and knowing the answers are not the only quali es necessary for success in school and life. Coping skills has to do with... when and under what circumstances is a behavior appropriate. You may know the answer but in this situa on, it is best to let someone else try to answer.
In the proceeding example, an adult may respond, “You hurt the other child’s feelings .” By saying this, you validate an irra onal belief that our emo ons are the result of the behavior of others, rather than what we tell ourselves about their behavior. Rather than focus on the “hurt feelings” of the other child, focus on the inappropriate behavior of the “smart child” and the irra onal beliefs that proceeded the behavior.
“You know that when you say things like, “Oh, she never knows the answer, you sound just like one of the characters in the Collard story, which one am I talking about?” “That’s right, that old know-it-all owl.” “Next me, I call on someone; give them the opportunity to answer, even if they get it wrong, it is not the end of the world.”
Even though you see the Collard characters manipula ng the young girl in the story, they are all responding to an inherent personal “weakness .” It is easy
to misinterpret the character’s manipula on as strength. Their behavior is caused by their irra onal thinking, based on a personal weakness and as such will ul mately lead to ine ec ve coping. The “smart child” in our example, needs to be right, the best, the most admired and so on. This need is driven by an irra onal belief such as “If I am not the best, smartest, pre est, than I am unlovable or stupid” or whatever their greatest fear might be.
Teach your children to challenge their irra onal beliefs. Model more e ec ve beliefs. Reward any improvement they demonstrate. It will be a long and frequently slow process but certainly worthwhile.
46