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100 SPIRIT AND THE MIND
The program just bombs out. It’s stopped and it will wait there indefinitely for further instructions, (laughter)
S: Well, did you feel spacey?
A: No. Space is infinite. I felt one-pointed—I felt the opposite of spacey, I felt totally contracted and focused. There was nothing else in the world at that point.
S: Was no thought going on, just being riveted to that moment?
A: For a while, yes; then I sort of realized what was happening to me. I said, “What am I doing, what am I feeling, what’s happening to me?” But asking myself these questions didn’t stop it. When I told you that I didn’t feel like I could get in my car and drive somewhere, I said to myself, “I can just snap out of this; I can just stop—I can just stop and be my usual self and walk out of this office.”
But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to try. It was like I was afraid if I tried and failed, then I would really be freaked out. I’ve felt that way on very, very rare occasions and not for a long time—when I would get really, really depressed about something. And I would just sit in my chair and not move. I would think, “I should get up and do something.” Then I would say, “What if I can’t, what if I try to get up and I can’t?” I’d be scared, so I’d just sit there until the mood passed.
S: And this thing you couldn’t get out of—again I’m just trying to clarify it. Was it that your mind was stunned by that moment and that it stayed stunned? And even though you tried to divert yourself, thoughts didn’t have much impact on that feeling of being stunned?
A: Yes, yes. Thoughts were there and I could sort of see myself thinking, “I have to go, I have to be in the field, I can’t afford this indulgence right now; what must Sam think of me?”
S: What must I think of you?
A: Ah, I don’t know. I mean you were probably as surprised as I was—maybe you saw it coming. I don’t know, it was you who brought out the tape recorder.
S: Do you think I think any less of you or that I think any more of you?
A: Well, you seemed to be pretty pleased about it. I mean, what with whipping out a tape recorder and all that. What could be a more positive reinforcement for anybody—after three and a half years of therapy, something I said was worth putting down on tape. (laughter)