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170 SPIRIT AND THE MIND
Professor Kasturi told me that he personally reveres Baba as Shiva and that he has had marvelous experiences with him that have deepened his reverence. Once when they were alone and talking about his Shiva/Shakti (Shiva’s consort) aspect, Baba said, “Kasturi, look at me.” Kasturi relates that as he looked up, what he saw was startling and deeply moving. Instead of Baba’s familiar appearance he saw Nandi the bull (Shiva’s vehicle), upon which sat Shiva on one side and Shakti on the other in a characteristic pose. The vision remained before his eyes for a few seconds and then melted back into the Baba that we all recognize. “Now do you understand, Kasturi?” Baba gently asked.
The enormity of this simply boggles my mind—to think that Shiva himself has come, allowing us to draw closer. As hard as this is to grasp, witnessing the birth of the lingam first-hand has immensely deepened my understanding and appreciation of the relationship between Baba and Shiva. This magnificent event was, for me, both moving and sad.
At about 8 o’clock Mahashivarathri evening, while Baba was giving a discourse in the Poornachandra Auditorium, suddenly he began to choke and weave back and forth as if in pain. To see our great Lord in the throes of what are, in fact, “birth” pains brought me to tears. To me this incredible act represents a sacrifice, the holiest gift of selfless love, through which the Lord personally beckons us to merge with him. Through the love that wells up in our hearts, as our hearts reach out to the supreme master, one experiences the yearning for, and the bliss of merging.
Some say the lingam is formed out of unconditional love in the region of Baba’s spiritual heart. The birth itself is very physical as well as ethereal. The lingam is brought up the esophagus and delivered through the mouth in a divine paroxysm—much like the birth spasm accompanying a corporeal birth. I don’t know why I should be sad, because this sacrifice is so glorious—serving to make the devotee more firmly resolved to surrender more and more of himself to God. Nevertheless, to see Baba in this state was uncomfortable for me. He rocked back and forth, then swallowed some water. Suddenly, in a convulsive burst, a glistening, crystal-clear lingam, perfectly spherical and almost three inches in diameter, erupted from his mouth into his hand. In this supremely holy moment, the Lord allowed his devotees to witness the mystery of the creation of the universe.