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determination in our spiritual lives, and this experience gave me great strength.
We were expecting a big Christmas celebration with a special play performed by Westerners. The ashram was filled with excitement. All the devotees’ minds and hearts were filled with an exquisite sense of the love and sacrifice that Christ had come to give.
The Westerners had worked on their play for weeks. I hadn’t had much to do with it and at this point kept myself quite away from most people except for those who approached occasionally with an emotional problem and needed a little Thorazine or Valium. But for the most part I tried to stay away from other people who might distract me from my focus on Sai Baba. I had heard that the play was having a little bit of difficulty getting off the ground because of some squabbling and that there was a possibility of it’s not even being performed. But that was the most I knew about it. I just stayed by myself, spacing out in meditation, and every once in a while I’d open my eyes and see Baba and feel so exhilarated and excited that I never wanted to return to the earth.
I was sitting on the veranda, eyes closed in meditation, about an hour before play time. A hush came over the crowd and I heard, “Sandweiss.” I peeked out from behind half-closed eyelids to find to my amazement that there was Baba calling for me. So I ran over to him like a little mouse saying, “Yes, Swami.” He said, “Sandweiss, you’re in charge of all the activities this evening, the Christmas play and all the events.” Now not only would I probably not be able to handle that responsibility now when I’m stronger in the world, but then when I was so vulnerable I was almost helpless. I said, “Me, Swami?” And he said, “Yes.” So all there was for me to say was, “Thank you.”
Little beads of sweat appeared on my brow. It simply isn’t easy— the path isn’t easy at these times. So I had to go around with the unpleasant task of telling the people who were in charge—that I was now in charge. And of course, they didn’t know how to take that.
Very unpleasant. And I was overcome with the urge to go to the bathroom. So I ran off to my little apartment and was away only about 10 minutes. But by the time I came back, the play had begun— and I saw that I wasn’t in charge of anything. I went to the back of the room and just sat and looked at Baba and said inwardly, “Am I doing a good job, Swami?’ Sometimes the mill of God grinds slowly