Page 31 - WTP Vol. IX #2

like toys that wear out or can be returned...)Yet you missed even that when she was gone, would have given anything to hear her nag you again.
Turn back to the dinner conversation; your cousin Colleen is saying how Oprah rarely picks heavy women for makeovers. Consider sharing your recent revelation about Oprah’s mortality. Believe this will either be met by blank stares or outraged disgust. De- cide to keep quiet. Begin picturing yourself on stage with Oprah, seated on dark blue, plush chairs. The set in its “serious topic” guise. Take a deep breath, you’re on Oprah after all. “Oprah,” you say, “you will die.”
“Y
She stares at you for a moment with a look of slightly buried astonishment. Then she says, “Elizabeth, this is a very negative thought, you are having. Do you see what I’m saying? This is the type of thought that can harm you. Do you see?”
Resist the impulse to say that the harm in the thought is directed toward Oprah. Say instead, what’s probably true: “You do have a point.” Picture Oprah talking you down, making you see the er-
ror of your thinking, the error of your ways. Hear the audience applauding. See yourself leaving, saying it’s more important to focus on Oprah’s life rather than her death and believing it, because it’s a healthier, more positive thought. That’s all you need, you think, an appearance on Oprah and your death thoughts will go away.
When the largely uneaten Velveeta and broccoli mix- ture is passed to you again, the orange cheese glistening even more than before, guiltily add some to your plate. Then look at your mother, at her wrinkled, bony face. In the last year, she has become an old woman. She too will die. Before you can think more about this, hear her explain to Aunt Patsy that a daughter of your sister’s neighbor has announced she’s a lesbian—no doubt, your mother seems to imply, out of spite.
“Her poor parents,” your mother says and shoots a glance your way. You can’t help but reflect that your mother is OK with lesbians who are orphans or maybe—in a stretch—those in foster care.
Your mother’s comments about lesbians have grown both more guarded and more pointed since Linnea’s death. It is as if your mother is suggesting that your reaction to Linnea’s death is more extreme than that of the average heterosexual woman who has not brought a man home in a long time, more extreme than it should be.
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ou love this man who
does not understand you, and he will die. Then you will wish more than anything that he were alive to give you a Think Big book.”
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