Page 96 - MN

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microphones, one for my acoustic guitar and one for vocal, and a spotlight. Not a lot to ask you would think, but I'd guess about 75% of the gigs fell short. Either there was just one microphone (one venue produced a podium with a mic--try playing a guitar in that situation!) or the buyer would point to a bulb in the ceiling and say, we couldn't find a spotlight, won't that work? Also, most hotel sound systems are incredibly bad. Tinny old speakers in the ceiling and lousy mics are death to an act like me because I speak in a normal voice and don't project like Pavarotti.
The worst, though, were conventions with themes. God save me from themes. One had a circus theme and the guy wanted me to do my show from a cage. Seriously. I declined.
So I had to fight through all that before I even got on stage, if they even had a stage.
One night I was waiting in the kitchen (the hotel equivalent of a green room) and a Mexican waiter looked at my guitar and did a double take. "Wow, man, nice guitar."
I thanked him and asked him if he played. He said a little bit, but not a 12- string. I had some time before I went on so I handed it to him and told him to give it a try. He played a flamenco piece brilliantly. Just awesome. Then he handed it back, thanked me and went out to bus tables. I went out to do my three-chord songs and make a lot of money. The world isn’t fair.
Next, the show. There were two options. Either the introduction was short and that meant I started my show while people were finishing desert and the waiters were clattering dishes, or the introduction featured one of the company bigwigs making a long speech and putting everyone to sleep.
Apparently I didn't suck because I kept getting convention bookings. I was making good money and struggling mightily. The good news was I was also playing colleges and they had great sound and lights with competent people working them. In college concerts I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven. They were in theaters with an actual stage and the audience in seats that faced the stage! What a concept! I loved doing colleges. I know that now comedians face all kinds of hassles from political groups but back then college audiences were intelligent and open-minded and I loved them.
Anyway, I was playing a lot of one-nighters, some opening act stuff, and I was intensely lonely. I'm terrible at walking into bars and making friends. Even if I played a couple weeks in a casino, by the time I got to know anyone it was time to move on. I was getting weird and the ships saved me because there were people to hang out with. My favorites were the other entertainers from all over the world, the cruise staff, the lecturers (most of whom were wildly intelligent and interesting), and many of the passengers. I was no longer the lonely weird guy