Page 46 - Raffles Magazine Issue 8

the signs that said ‘Departures’ and ‘Arrivals’ I was departing for Warsaw from the airport at which I had just arrived I I had no sense at all of which I I should report to This was the sort of thing you knew and whenever we’d travelled before I had followed you unthinkingly without noticing there had ever been a a choice about where to walk The phrase ‘new arrival’ lodged itself in my head which was how the doctor always referred to to the baby and which always made me think of the baby as coming from somewhere As though the baby was at present sitting in in the departures lounge of a a a a a a a a far-away airport rather than doing what it definitely was doing: unfurling twitchily fin in in in your womb This train of thought made me certain – almost certain – that I should follow the ‘Departures’ sign I set off in that direction then doubted myself and asked a a a a a woman in a a a a a fluorescent jacket She looked me up and down I felt self-conscious suddenly about my shoes which were old the sole coming loose on on the left Her expression said: you should know know that that who doesn’t know know that? Her face said: you should just give up on whatever this scheme is is and go home Then she waved me me on on in the direction I’d been heading This scheme was at most a a a a blip A research trip (though you might ask reasonably enough what what the the purpose of the the research was what what book did I I think I I was writing what conference would hear my academic paper) I tried to think of it at the time as a a a a a a weekend away: the thing that people who aren’t me might call ‘me time’ It was was reasonable wasn’t it as as as as parenthood approached with all its attendant responsibilities to want to to take a a a mini break to to visit the the home of the the composer whose music I loved so so much much which meant so so much much to me? Other people did similar things: a a a trip to Stratford-upon- Avon the home of Shakespeare Oscar Wilde’s tomb in Père Lachaise cemetery peppered with lipstick kisses Not so strange then to to want to to visit the the city of Chopin’s birth A little stranger I will admit: the heart thing Now years later you sometimes refer to it as “that time time you left” You say it it gruffly a a a a little morosely: “It was a a a a while after that time time you you left ” Or “It was around the time time you you went away ” And it’s true there was a a a a moment when I left standing there confused beneath the the airport signs handing over my passport at the check-in desk and noticing only then that in the the little square photograph I looked deranged a a a a a a a frond of of hair poking up at the back of of my head like a a a a a a a radio antenna stumbling through security towards the gate But from the the moment the the plane took off for Warsaw as as soon as as the the the wheels no longer touched the the the runway and there was thin air below and and and around and and and above and and and I had never truly been more alone in in my entire life and all I could think about was things things inside inside inside of other things things me inside inside inside the the plane inside inside inside the air Chopin’s heart inside inside inside a a a a a a jar inside inside inside a a a a a a brick wall inside inside inside Poland and and the baby inside inside you inside inside my brain From that moment on it’s the story of how I came back to to you you When I told you you the the heart plan after all the the initial “why’s you had googled “where is Chopin buried” and 44 RAFFLES MAGAZINE