Page 38 - #LoveWarrior

forgiveness is and is not: Justice is righteous, but grace is supernatural; Grace is unnatural to our human brain; Grace
alone melts ungrace.

Magnanimous forgiveness, such as that offered Valjean by the bishop, allows the possibility of
transformation in the guilty party. Lewis Smedes details this process of “Spiritual surgery”: When you
forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his
hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment, you identify him ineradicable as the person who did you
wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory.
What’s So Amazing About Grace, pg. 102-103

This kind of forgiveness is not easy, but it certainly is possible. I don't know about you, but I always want to strive
to offer forgiveness that looks like "spiritual surgery."

Even so, forgiveness is anything but easy. In the 2017 movie The Shack, the screenwriters do an excellent job of
exposing this process.

Makenzie: "I'm still angry."
Papa (God) “For sure. No one lets go all at once. You may have to do it a thousand times before it gets easier. But it
will.”

A Clean Break
There is no such thing as a clean break. I love the analogy with the salt and pepper shakers in the film Fireproof
(Kendrick, 2008). When salt and pepper shakers are superglued together and then pulled apart, one or both will
break. This is the truth. For all of us who have experienced a breakup, we know the pain that comes with a
separation. One person, or both, is bound to break. But what if we could learn how to appreciate letting go of the
person and, from there, ensure that the next person we are “superglued” to is worthy of that bond?

In order to properly let go, we must release the fantasy we have built up surrounding the other person and the
relationship. This includes looking back and collecting data. Both will uncover the truth of what happened, what
went wrong, and what went right.

Looking Back
I have had many people tell me no good comes from looking back. I disagree. Many times, we need to look
backward before we can proceed forward. Take rear-view mirrors, for example. They allow us to move forward
safely. These reflections reveal what is behind us. Why wouldn't we apply the same concept to our lives?

The danger in looking back lies with how long we stay there. Yes, we know looking back for too long can prevent
us from seeing what's ahead – or worse – not fully enjoying the gift that is our present moment. However, here's a
solution: PULL over. There, safely, we can evaluate what we see behind us.

The truth is that many people misunderstand the benefit of looking back because they go about it all wrong. They
end up repeating old mistakes without meaning to. This is because they misunderstand their goal going into it.
Forethought and planning are required. However, very few of us walk into the situation prepared. That is why, so
many times, we hear, "Never look back" and "Leave the past in the past." While I agree with these statements, in the
long run, I fear that this philosophy prevents so many of us from receiving the healing that looking back can bring.
Let me walk you through what I mean.

I had the opportunity to have a conversation with someone from my past once. We had planned for months to have
coffee and talk in person. As a man of character, he shared my opinion surrounding the importance of a closure
meeting – at least for us. This conversation finally happened two years after our breakup. We went into it with our
eyes wide open. We shared the truth around where we were at. He was in a happy, loving, long-term relationship
with an incredible woman he loved very much. As for me – I was still dealing with the pain and loss surrounding
someone else. Sensitive to one another's heart, we proceeded with caution, with intention. We met in a public place
and had a time limit on how long we had with one another. Our conversation was such that if anyone else had been

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