Page 52 - #LoveWarrior

Healing comes in the form of rejecting and responding – rejecting future abuse and responding quickly with
intentionality. Deciding that future acceptance of alcoholism is not an option will ensure the cycle is really broken.
Once your mind gets on the same wavelength as your heart, your body is the next to follow. Responding with action
and intentionality will lead you to true healing, healing that will last. Take action by taking back control of what
comes into your life and stays in it. Seek help, read, and invest in all things strengthening you. Empowerment will
come from choosing life, and choosing life is precisely what must occur in order to heal from alcohol abuse.

Sexual Assault
I found myself in a situation one night which I thought would be safe. With what was usually a group of three —
myself and this couple — to my surprise this party of three was now a party of two. Just myself and this man. I
knew him to be a good man, so I proceeded with the evening, as usual, indulging in a few beers alone with him. The
next thing I knew, I found myself in a car being aggressively forced to perform oral sex. Clouded by the alcohol, my
sense of reality was gone. I remember thinking I wanted to scream, to run away or to somehow hurt him, but — I
felt paralyzed. Then, once he drove me back to my car and dumped me out, I couldn't help but feel as if I had just
stepped out of a horror film. I didn't realize the physical damage until hours later, and I wouldn't understand the
psychological damage until a few years later.

When the alcohol wore off, I found myself searching for an urgent care clinic. I could barely move my neck. I was
petrified. I'd survived a vicious pit bull bite at twelve years old, surgery, and many falls off a horse, but nothing
compared to this pain. It was excruciating. Filled with shame, I told my family and friends the injury was the result
of a long trail ride where I must have spent hours turning my neck the wrong way. But that explanation didn't work
with everyone.

As a chiropractor looked over the X-rays, he explained that my injuries were severe enough to have been from the
impact of a car accident. My C2 was completely reversed. He said I needed regular treatment indefinitely, and he
was surprised I wasn't in constant pain. It's been over three years now, and the pain is still there; it has subsided
thanks to incredible chiropractic care, but still present. I see a Chiropractor five days a week because of the incident.
Still, every night when I sleep, laying in certain positions flares up the pain and I feel it. It's a constant reminder of
the different choices I want to make in the future – and the situations I refuse to put myself in again. But even past
that, it is a situation I know to be a common one. So many of us walk into situations thinking we are “safe” only to
realize – often when it’s too late – we aren’t. Being a survivor of sexual assault poses its own challenges. Both
physical and mental. In my particular situation, being a twenty-four-year-old woman, fully aware of the possibilities
for situations as such, I had to forgive myself. I continue to have to forgive myself. The shame I have felt
surrounding this situation is nothing like I’ve ever experienced. It has affected the way I see sex, it has damaged my
ability to get close to someone, it has changed the way I act in a relationship. It’s broken a piece of my ability to be
physically intimate.

Yet, still, I push forward. I know, it is only by the grace of God I have been able to move past it as much as I have,
thus far. Soaking in His mercy and love, it's nothing short of a miracle how I feel when I think about this situation
now. I no longer feel as much guilt or shame. Though the enemy tries to derail me, I stand firm in truth, the words
the Lord has spoken over me: "You are my beloved. That was not your fault. It was the act of evil."

What I do still struggle with is trust. Trusting a man not to take physical intimacy lightly. To see it for the powerful
tool it is: it can either bring harm – or good, dependent on the setting and circumstances. In a culture where oral sex
is not considered sex and the actual act of sex is no longer respected in its original design, I pray often for the
redemption of physical intimacy. It is only there, will we see a decline in the acts of evil, such as the one I
experienced and such as millions of others have experienced across the globe; and continue to. If you have
experienced sexual assault or rape, I'd like to pray over you these same truths God has spoken over me:

“Lord, as you have comforted me, I ask that you comfort them. Remind them they are Your beloved, that it was not
their fault, it was an act of evil. Remain close to them, always. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.”

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