Page 53 - #LoveWarrior

Infidelity
Men and women tend to define infidelity a bit differently. However, the bottom line is this: infidelity can happen in
both a marriage or a committed relationship. It can take place in a variety of way: physically, emotionally, via the
telephone, over the internet — even an overly friendly interaction. No one is immune to the possibility of willingly,
or even unwillingly, participating in such violation. Anyone can fall victim to being on either side. The only
prevention is intentionality; being intentional with who we surround ourselves with, who we allow in our inner
circle, who we invest time in and what situations we put ourselves in. From here, making a conscious decision to
live a life of self-control, courage, and integrity may be the harder path; but it's the only path that doesn't guarantee
turmoil and destruction. Also, always being aware of the messaging we are giving those around us requires maturity
and Romantic Intelligence.

Many seek to explain why infidelity happens. For many of us, this is a crucial part of our healing as well as a
perfectly natural instinct: to seek answers to explain such pain. Furthermore, the potential reasons why someone
decides to engage in such behavior are vast: an established liar, insecurities, immaturity, a damaged identity, seeking
revenge, unreasonable expectations, loneliness or neglect, confused about love, boredom, curiosity, risky
“adventure”, lack of a strong peer community, wants out of the relationship, addiction, a lack of chemistry or a lack
of a sex life in the current relationship. Regardless of what combination rings true for a particular situation, there is
never a strong defense for infidelity that leads to a “not-guilty” verdict. We each deserve to be respected and
honored – both physically and emotionally. When violated, our ability to fully trust is sure to be damaged. We must
acknowledge that. We cannot overcome what we do not expose. With that being said, it is important to focus on the
raw data. Let me walk you through what I mean.

I recognized a spirit of lust hovering over his group of work “friends.” Knowing the circumstances of the situation –
who was involved– I was scared. Scared for him. Scared for me. Scared for us. I asked him not to go. Yet, the
evening and early morning went like this.

7:30 pm We went on a romantic, fun-filled double date
10:00 pm He took me back to my house, left to meet up with these work friends
12:00 am Calls me to say goodnight and “I love you”
3:00 am He has sex with someone else

Those are the raw facts. We were never the same after that. I'd like to think we were, but we weren't. We would have
great days where we felt more in love than ever, and then other days, we questioned it all. I tried so hard to forget. I
tried so hard to forgive him. He tried so hard to comfort me, love me, and fight for us. But with our lives still so
intertwined with her (we worked with the girl he cheated on me with), I couldn't escape the pain. I would experience
it all over again — every day. I had to see them interact at work. I had to witness the gossip, how everyone lost
respect for me for staying with him (people who had witnessed them have sex as a “result” of alcohol and edibles,
yet did nothing to stop it). I felt tortured. I was so beaten down. He was so beaten down. We both felt defeated. And
rightfully so – we had been defeated. Over a year later, I asked my best friend (also my roommate at the time) to
shed some light on the situation. I asked her why – in her opinion – I didn’t “fight” back, why I didn’t leave him.
This was her response:

His state and his vulnerability made you forgive him easily, also because something in you knew already
what happened. Maybe not all the details but you knew deep down he cheated. You forgave her because
yes, you didn't have it in you to fight but also because you're maturing and getting older. You knew that it
wasn't worth fighting her. It happened, and you couldn't go back and erase it, moving forward you had a
choice to make: be with him or not. And because you also fought back in previous relationships you went
about it differently, hoping for a different outcome.

She was right and her insight really helped. Yet, healing from it has been anything but easy. The initial blow – at
least for me – was the high point. The low points came after. My mind wandered: Was any of it real? What really
happened? Did he really love me? Was he lying about that? Was he seeing another girl or her? Then the worst of it
– the storm hit me even harder months after we broke up. Almost two months later, I was informed this girl and he
had begun sleeping together again, this time without the excuse of alcohol and drugs. It was presented to me with

53