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©2018 GLPages.com 107 COMINGOUT
Coming Out COMING OUT
How to “Come Out”
1. Don't put yourself on a deadline for coming out. Some gay partners who already are out may pres- sure you, but wait until you are really ready.
2. Start with your friends before your family.Your
true friends will appreciate your honesty and be touched you were willing to share. Those who shun you will eventually come around and those who don't were never really your friends to begin with.
3. Delivering the news through a third party is a bad idea.Your family will want to hear it directly from you and will resent finding out from someone else.
4. Avoid coming out in an angry or defensive tone. That creates emotionally charged situations where no one is really listening.
5. Give family members a chance to absorb the news before expecting the worst. If you had good rela- tionships with your parents prior to coming out, chances are they will accept it. It might be right away or it might be a while. Be patient.
Tips & Warnings
• Don't bring your partner to family gatherings and introduce him or her as just a friend because later, when you do come out, everyone will feel deceived. It's best to avoid that kind of situation.
• Don't be surprised if one of your parents, especially your mother, says she knew it all along. Mothers watch for signs and no matter how many proms you attended with the opposite sex, mothers hate to admit they were wrong about something this big in their children.
• Keep being who you are and eventually most family and friends will realize that your choice of a partner doesn't change your real self.
• After you come out, you will be more sensitive to homophobic comments. Better to walk away than start an argument that could lead to a fight.
• The stress of coming out can lead to alcohol or drug abuse. Join a support group or see a therapist if you have no one to talk to about your feelings.
• Realize that some family and friends will never accept your sexuality. This may be very painful. But you wouldn't like it if someone tried to change your beliefs, either. So live and let live.
How to Know if You are Ready to “Come Out”
1. Find a support network or consider seeing a professional therapist who is gay-friendly. Coming out can be difficult and sometimes life changing. It is important to have a safe place for you to share your experience.
2. Buy a book or two about parents of gay children. Even though your parent or parents are ultimately responsible for their reaction and feelings, under- standing the issues and questions parents face may help your formulate what to say and how to say it.
3. Wait for your parents to ask. The gay adage is, "If your parents ask, they are ready for the answer."
4. Write a letter to your parents instead of telling them face-to-face. A letter can be edited until it says exactly what you want it to say. Once you give it to them, it also gives your parents a chance to read everything you want to tell them without interruption. They can read it in private and alone. Encourage them to talk to you once they are done.
5. Attend a Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) meeting.You will experience how many different parents have accepted their sons and daughters. Then, when you are ready, give your parents the phone number. They may not use it right away, but at least they have it.
Tips & Warnings
• Give a book to your parents - when you're ready. Just as it is important for us to know that we are not alone, it will be comforting to your parents to know that they are not alone.
• As hard as it may be to believe or accept, you are not responsible to your parents for being gay. It is not your fault or theirs. Being gay is not a fault. It is no better or worse than being straight. It is part of what makes you who you are. Good luck!
• You may not have the luxury of picking the place and time to come out to your parents. You may be "found out." Someone may tell your parents, or they may find something as harmless as a book. Turn this surprise into something positive. Once they know, they know. Move forward and enjoy the sense of relief.